My Favorite Quote of the Day

"I've come to the conclusion that the media isn't out to change our minds politically or brainwash us into some Orwellian fog of compliance. I think there are definitely some outlets that are more biased than others. Fox leans to the right. We know this. MSNBC leans just as strongly the opposite way. We know this too. CNN just leans which ever way Larry King's suspenders pull it. So, fine, some have an agenda but I'm not cynical enough to think that the mainstream media is actually trying to brainwash us or change our minds. No, they're just out to make a buck. And they'll pretty much whore themselves to the highest bidder for the almighty dollar." -Chris at Rude Cactus

I especially like the part about Larry King's suspenders.

Update

Nothing too fascinating to report here. I don't feel up to being witty.

I'm still sad. I still cry a lot, frequently in unexpected and embarrassing situations. I'm kind of a bummer to be around at the moment, but luckily my friends still put up with me. Zach's a pretty awesome brother to have around. I've decided that- should ever have any desire to date again- future suitors will have to get the Zach seal of approval. I should listen to him more often.

I'm volunteering with the jr. high group at my church. Today was my first day. It was kinda terrifying. I felt a little like I was in jr. high again only this time I was taller (that is to say, there are a few 6th graders there who are still shorter than me). I can't wait for the first time a parent mistakes me for one of the kids.

My most faithful blog reader and dear friend Lisa is coming to visit this week. I plan to reminisce about how she used to have to lock herself in her bedroom as soon as she got home from work when we were roommates to prevent me from attacking her with a verbal torrent of, "OHMYGOSHIHAVEN'TSEENANOTHERGROWNUPALLDAYLETSTALKANDTALKANDTALK!!!!!!!"

I plan to threaten her with the sleeping in the loft of death (tm) if she gets out of hand, but as I remember, she's pretty well behaved. Seriously, Lisa, if you still have an internet connection: I can't wait to see you!!!

I'm going home for Christmas, which will be good. Thanksgiving, I wish I could just skip, but I'm thinking about working for extra money (I know, who hires a nanny on Thanksgiving, right? But according to the accursed nanny agency there's good money to be made. Only in Silicon Valley, friends). It's not that I don't have kind friends who've invited me to their Thanksgiving celebrations, I just don't know if I can deal with being a pity guest at someone's family dinner this year. I had planned to spend it with Daniel's family, although by most accounts they wouldn't have liked me anyway (I'm a freaking pariah when it comes to potential in-laws, apparently- remember Michael's family? HATED me) so doubtless whatever I do will be less stressful than that would have been.

I'm reading a long biography of the James family. Plus finishing up rereading the Narnia chronicles. I feel an urgent need to get to the library today before it closes because I only have one book left to read!!! Clearly this is an emergency.

So that's it. I'm trying not to get sucked under. I'm trying to remember that I don't have the right to give up hope. I'm trying to believe that all things work together for the good of those who love Him. And I'm telling myself that just because I'm in the same place I was at the beginning of this year doesn't mean that I'm doomed to keep repeating my own damned history. Sometimes that's easier to believe than others.

And Now For Something Completely Different

I found this wonderful short story and I had to share it with you.

Eugene

It will take you ten minutes to read and I promise it will brighten your day. Enjoy!

"Yes, you will!" persisted Jo. "You'll get over this after a while, and find some lovely accomplished girl, who will adore you, and make a fine mistress for your fine house. I shouldn't... we should quarrel--we can't help it even now, you see--and I shouldn't like elegant society and you would, and you'd hate my scribbling, and I couldn't get on without it, and we should be unhappy, and wish we hadn't done it, and everything would be horrid!" - Little Women

I always hated Jo for turning Laurie down. I sympathized with his fury and hurt and couldn't understand how she could fail to want him, no matter what the obstacles were. Surely they could have made things work. I don't feel that way anymore. I wish I'd been strong enough to insist that we leave our friendship as it was.

My eyes are swollen. I can't stop crying. I can't find any peace. I sleep and dream about Daniel and I making each other unhappy. I wake up to migraines, relieved that, for the moment, I'm so grateful to be out of the nightmares that I have no doubts about what I'm doing. But in the morning I think about talking to him last night and laughing through my tears and feeling his hand on mine. The intensity of our fights has always been matched by the deep friendship and rapport we reestablish when we make up. He makes me laugh like no one else. I love being with him.

I can't bear this.

I want to go home.

I want to go to my true home, where there are no tears. Where I can see my God face to face and feel His arms around me. Today I don't care about anything but making the pain stop. I know that my suffering is small compared to most things but feels to me like it encompasses the whole world. I don't want to pick myself up and keep trying. I don't have it in me to ever go through this again, but I'm not strong enough to walk through the world alone. I can't remember the last time I felt joy without doubt and fear pulling at the back of my mind.

There's no way out of this that won't shatter my heart into a million pieces. I love him, and I cherish our friendship, and the thought of him being happy with someone else someday makes me want to scream and cry and punch walls and then curl up into a ball and sob. I know that that is what's best for him, but I don't want it to be true.

I'm so tired of having to be strong. I don't want to make the hard decisions. I don't know if I have the strength to walk away if he wants me to stay. I don't know how to let go. But I don't know how to stay when I've heard God telling me clearly that I'm to walk away.

Here is Here

I'm at that point where everything I see reminds me of him, or us. A random phrase evokes an inside joke we shared. His sweatshirt lying in the laundry pile. The dance class we were taking meets tonight. Friends who started dating the same week we did talk about planning a trip for their six-month anniversary.

I want to hear his voice. I want to feel his arms around me again. I want to change my mind, ask him to forget that I told him goodbye and take me back again.

I know it wouldn't last. I know we'd end up back here. I know my heart would end up further bruised and so would his, but there are moments where I just don't care. It's all I can do to keep myself from picking up the phone.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling hurt. I'm tired of wondering if what seems to happen so easily for so many people will ever happen for me.

I want to stop caring, how do I do that?

A Few Things to be Thankful For Upon the Demise of My Second Relationship in Less Than a Year*

Women.

In spite of the inherent insanity involved in being a woman, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I have wonderful housemates who take care of me and throw me fantastic birthday parties. Sisters of the heart who love me and let me cry on their shoulders when I'm sad. Silly girls who tell awful jokes, and play cheesy movies to distract me, and let me rest my head in their laps while they stroke my hair and tell me that boys are silly anyway, and who needs them? Wild ladies of the night who dare each other to go skinny-dipping in a public pool, and throw crazy breakup parties to cheer me up. Daughters of God who pray for me and with me; who tell me it's going to be all right; who see things for me and in me that I cannot see myself.

Family.

My real family is far away but they love me even when I can't be as gracious to them as I should. I have more siblings than any one person really deserves, loving parents, and the cutest niece and nephews anyone's ever seen; plus a whole slew of aunts, uncles, cousins and two precious grandparents. I have a family that I have made for myself here in California. They are my small geographical corner of the family of God, which stretches all over the world. I love them differently than I love my blood family, but no less.

Friends

In addition to the women closest to me, I have friends in such varied walks of life that it boggles my mind sometimes. I have friends here and far away. Friends in countries I've never visited. Friends I've never even met in person. Friends I haven't seen for years who I know- if I were lucky enough to see them again- would greet me as if we'd only parted yesterday. I am blessed with people who love me.

Hope

I may not know what the future holds, but I know Whose hands I am in and I trust them.

*Just a few days under ten months if you're counting, but why would you want to do that? That would just be depressing, and everyone knows I am never whiny or depressed. Much like the way I would never get up and write a stupid blog post in the middle of the night because I can't sleep and I don't want to think because then I start to get angry about things that don't matter anymore. So, what was I saying? Right- hope.. Please remind me of that in the months to come, should I occasionally forget.

Life

I've been busy with the usual stuff: working, playing, resting, fighting with Daniel, making up, making out, living life. The D man & I are crazy climbing buddies lately. D took a class and learned how to set anchors (translation: how to do the outdoor ropes stuff) so we've been having outdoor climbing excursions instead of just going to the gym. Sunday we got really adventurous and followed directions in a slightly outdated climbing guidebook to a remote area of a state preserve. By the time we managed to off-trail our way around to the accessible side of the giant rock formation we barely had time to rappel down it before booking it to the car before sunset. Just as well since it turned out the climb was a smooth rock face with few holds and lots of moss. Pretty much beyond even D's impressive climbing skills.

The rappelling was, um what's the word... terrifying. I felt completely confident in Daniel's safety skillz so that wasn't a problem, but the idea of just the two of us out there- knowing that if something did go wrong he'd have to leave me alone in the woods to go for help- that was scary. Also the whole looking over the high cliff and then letting go and trusting the rope & harness to hold me. That was scary too. I wish I had pictures because it would've been a great shot, watching him rappel down the sheer rock face from the angle I was sitting at.

Also, we're taking a Cross-Step Waltz class from Richard Powers, who is apparently a big deal if you know anything about ballroom dancing, which I don't. The class is super fun, although I have to say I don't see competitive waltzing in our future. We're pretty good at laughing at ourselves, which is key in many endeavors as well as generally useful for life.

For my birthday outing adventure Daniel took me, per my request, to this place: California Academy of Science. It was very cool. Tomorrow I'm partying fifties style with a sock hop at my house, poodle skirts and all! If I didn't invite you and you live around here, I just forgot. Unless you're a stalker, in which case I didn't invite you on purpose. But if you're a friend and not a stalker, come to my house at 7 tomorrow night and bring your bobby socks! Daniel will be spiking the punch.