Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Why I disappeared

If angst and sorrow make artists, musicians, and writers more productive, does that mean I'm a pretender if I shut down when I'm depressed? I have not posted in weeks, not because I don't have anything to say, but because having been sucked back into the morass of depression I only so recently managed to climb out of, I have been unable to marshal my thoughts in any productive way. I want to write, but it's all I can do to drag myself through the days. Even the good ones find me so scattered that I can't commit to one subject and start writing. I am overwhelmed by the thought of.. everything. Or anything.

I would like to say that the fact that I'm writing this means I'm feeling better, but this was actually one of the worse days I've had (as is evidenced by the quality of what you're reading). Today is exceeded only by yesterday, when I went to the dentist to find that I have a mouthful of cavities, one possibly requiring a root canal; and diseased gums. The treatment of all these things will cost me more money than I've ever had at one time in my life. Ah yes, did I mentioned that I'm unemployed?

I'm tired. And I don't know what to do. Maybe I should rob a bank? I don't even own a ski mask though. And at barely 5 feet I'm terribly unintimidating. It's hard to be taken seriously when you have to stand on tiptoes to see over the counter when you demand the bagfuls of cash. I would totally not be above flirting with the dentist if I thought it would get me anywhere but my dentist is a woman, and she doesn't seem like she'd be impressed if I tried fluttering my eyelashes at her in the middle of my cleaning.

Any better ideas? I mean, besides a higher dosage of Prozac?


marmot4944 said...

Oh, girl. I'm sorry! We know what that is like here at our house. Well, perhaps not the robbing the bank. We haven't done that yet. But we have thought of becoming farmers and trying to find a slower way of life. Despite my abhorrence of bugs and livestock, and all, it might just work.

Oh, The Joys said...

The only thing that pulls me up out of it is swimming - like a mile and a half at a go. Swim and swim and swim... until... I don't know... endorphins are mating in my blood or something.

Wishing you up.

Sarah said...

Depression sucks. Cavities suck. Eat chocolate. :) Btw,
3-way video chat is outlawed in Massachusetts under a 1657 statute, according to a local expert.

What helps me is taking walks, listening to non-sad live music, singing, and friends, friends, friends. Not a cure...but it helps. And now that your state has a medical chocolate law, maybe you can score some Scharfie.

jess said...

Thank you all so much for your caring words and advice. I am actually feeling better today and tomorrow I have a Dr.s appt.

Ru, I have tried being a farmer (plot at the communiy garden), the only problem is that I stop caring for my plants when I get depressed. In fact my houseplants are a pretty good barometer of my mental state, when they all die at once it's not good. :)

I've been getting out and walking everyday which helps a lot. Swimming is out since they don't believe in indoor pools (or anything else) in CA and it's too damn cold to go in the water this time of year. But walking is good, and sunshine, which we thankfully have a lot of right now.

Sarah, who knew 3-way video chat was a legal issue in 1657? I say go for it anyway.
Breakin' the law..
du du du du..
Breakin' the law!!!

Christine said...

hey Jess!! Just being typical, oblivious me, adding after the fact that I'm sad that you were sad, when you were sad, but I'm glad now that you're glad, and...ice cream usually helps me. And crying. A lot. :)