Sunday, January 20, 2008

Late entrant to political race speaks her mind

*edited because I am avoiding going to bed even though I have to get up early tomorrow and have a million things to do before leaving on Wednesday and I am a complete and utter idiot who spends hours when she should be sleeping re-editing old blog posts*

I have decided to run for president.

What's that you say, internets??

Shame on you! I've never let inconsequential barriers like reality stand in my way and I don't intend to now that I am embarking on an important political career. 

Why, where would we be if Christopher Columbus had let people tell him that it was impossible to sail to India? If Vasco de Gamey, or those other explorer guys I leaned about in fourth grade and don't remember the name of, who discovered northwest passages or invented the boat or at least gave all the Indians smallpox and thus made it possible for us to call this great continent our home had been discouraged by naysayers? Well the Native Americans would never have had the chance to discover how profitable casinos can be.

So don't try to dissuade me. My mind's made up. America needs me.

I should explain my reasons for seeking election. They're fairly simple. First of all, the candidates who are currently seeking election frighten me. That's right, every. last one. Even Bossy's beloved Barack O'boyfriend (sorry, Bossy). It's true that some of them frighten me more than others but, still, I don't feel particularly excited about voting for any of them. However if I don't vote then I am, A. BAD. AMERICAN. And this time I don't have the excuse of having moved out-of-state the weekend before election day and then having to rush back to the state I was registered in to witness the birth of my sister's first child on Monday therefore making it completely impractical for me to make another trip to said state on the next day to vote. I mean, really. It was like, an hour's drive, for Pete's sake. No one should have to make that kind of sacrifice for liberty.

Sooooo, anyhoo, where was I?.. Reasons for running for Q
ueen of America
president. So after the moral quandary of who to vote for, comes the all-important practical reason: The White House. I am quite frankly, tired of paying rent. If I win this race, I figure I've got a free place to live for four years, score! Plus I hear they have a movie theater right in the house mansion. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. I mean, yeah, it's in DC, so I'd be back to experiencing east coast winters, but milder ones than New England's and plus, with a movie theater and lots of peons aides to bring me whatever I need (Do you think Scharffen Berger would be willing to relocate their factory to one of the spare ballrooms?) I won't ever need to leave the glorious indoors anyway. Should I feel the need for some sunshine, I'll just call Air Force One and make something up about needing to further relations with Jamaica. Yes, I think I am going to like this job.

So with my motivations for running out of the way, I should give you some reasons to vote for me (as if you needed any,
readers mom!) to be elected Sovereign of the Universe president. Firstly I will describe my platform. It's made of of Italian marble so it's very heavy. Plus it's a just leetle bit higher than all of the other candidates' platforms, so as to put us on even ground with regards to height. Around the edge there will be a lovely pink bunting, with sequins. When I stand on my platform I will talk all about the Good Things (I am considering making Martha Stewart my running mate) I will do for the Majestic Territory, complete with mountains and oceans prairies and stuff, that we call home

First, I will stop all this divisive hatred that is tearing our beloved bastion of peace and goodwill toward all nations except the ones we don't like this week apart. I will accomplish this by abolishing both political parties and ordering that anyone caught claiming to be a Republican or a Democrat be immediately imprisoned and sentenced to sewing sequins on sparkly tutus in a NYC sweatshop for 12 hours a day while the immigrants who formerly had these jobs move into the offenders homes and eat their meanie conservative big business processed bad-for-the-environment Kraft or bleeding-heart liberal hippie organic Annie's macaroni and cheese. A harsh measure, to be sure, but we cannot have the enemies of America eating macaroni and cheese while people are starving in China, now can we? Exactly! What was I saying?

Another issue on my agenda in this, my
tenure for life
first term, will be this unpatriotic idea that when you grow up you have to get a "job" and be a ''productive member of society." No human should have to operate under that kind of pressure (Can you pass the Cheetos, please?) and anyone caught working more than 20 hours a week shall herewith be sentenced to a good dunking. Until they admit that they are involved in service to the evil one, or *drown, whichever comes first.

* just kidding, I wouldn't really drown anyone, even if the individual in question was in service to the evil one. I would just make him/her go live with my parents for a year.

Next to target on my list of ills that threaten the very moral fabric of our 50 states plus a few of those confusing territories like Puerto Rico that we don't allow to vote but still tell what to do will be smoke detectors. I have one outside my bathroom that (before I dismantled it into several small pieces) was
frequently triggered by steam from the shower when I left the bathroom door open. Now if there's anything worse than having a piercing noise blasting my sensitive ears, it's being shocked out of a nice hot shower by said piercing noise and having to run around frantically in circles with my hands over my ears, nekkid, cold and dripping wet, before climbing onto a bureau and attacking the smoke detector with a broom. Not. Fun. So I say to you, oh internets, that this shockingly shrill shrieking scourge can be, indeed, must be eradicated once and for all. For the children, who are our future. Citizens against smoke detectors stand with me and raise your beer high in solidarity before heading to your respective voting booths and casting a vote for America, for peace, for justice, for ME to be your own personal Representative of Freedom & Liberty (RoFL).


wheelsonthebus said...

Because reader is alphabetical, I read you last tonight, which means I got a really good laugh to finish my day with!


Anonymous said...

So that explains the footprints on the bureau!

tom cruise is weird said...

you'll have to let Wingert and Vargo know that I have abdicated from their nomination of me for President, in your favor.

My preschool teacher will be so disappointed that her prediction will have to wait another 4-8 years. It's a tough life.

COMomma said...

You left out a vital piece of your platform - the inclusion of chocolate on the food guide pyramid.

I also find chocolate makes me very gassy. :) Pretty quickly too. So, be warned!

Sarah said...

1. Where do I send my donation?

2. Can I be Secretary of Cocoa?

3. Can we all agree that mandatory P.E. is right out?

4. Possible campaign slogan: "America Needs a Return to Carbs"

jess said...

Yes, Sarah, i'd been planning on making you secretary of the interior.... of the stomach. As such you'd be responsible for cocoa naturally. I'd also like you to put a strong emphasis on cheese and butter. Mmmm, buuuttter ..

Ru, I tried to make my platform out of chocolate but every time I stood on it to give a speech it started melting.

Christine, I need you to head up the Swiss Embassy and I won't take no for an answer!

WkSocMom said...

Just found you from bossy's email, too too funny!

Anonymous said...

you've got my vote for the cleaverest girl I know-and maybe for Pres., too. love ya! YO-MAMA

planetnomad said...

I will vote for you! So far, I like you best of all the candidates. PLUS, I am very happy that no one will be able to claim Republican or Democrat anymore. I'm looking forward to some peace and quiet around here!
Since you're my candidate and you already brought up the subj of smoke detectors, please address why the batteries always run out at night when I'm trying to sleep and beep like that! That is just wrong. It makes me a teensy bit homicidal when it does that. Please make it stop.
(Here from Slouching Mom...I suspect I'll be back, once we finish up our delish lunch of spam on Wonder bread)