Friday, March 28, 2008

H.A.L.P.

We have arrived in the teeny state of munchkinland Rhode Island and Great! Googly! Moogly! 

My family + my boyfriend = bad, bad news.

It's not that they don't get along, so much as that they get along too well. Wayyy too well. I am thinking of sending Michael home early. Maybe tomorrow, if I can find a flight that will take him.

You see, my family is fond of -as we say in ze French- Le teasing. Pair that with a guy whose favorite activity is to repeatedly annoy me until I punch him, added to the first time I've brought a boyfriend home to meet the family, and you have a Code Davenport. I am suffering here, peoplez.

My sister Lib (who used to traumatize me when we were kids by sitting on me and tickling me while I tried my best to give her a black eye- unsuccessfully, since she was stronger than me and I am reduced by tickling to a tortured helpless spastic pile of laughing/gasping/screaming writhingness) has offered to give him tips on how to more effectively tickle torment me. My dad has warned Michael that I am a bossy broad no less than three times (aaaand, no, this is not my father's idea of a compliment*), and my sister Katie -although she claims to dislike everyone and makes no exception of Michael- asked for (and received) his assistance in stealing my slippers from off my very [cold] feet!!

*Make no mistake, Dad isn't trying to scare The Boy away, quite the contrary. It's just that he's stuck -due to a warp in the space-time continuum- in 1952 and feels it's his duty as a macho manly man to warn Michael that he failed to to his duty as a good religiously righteous father** by making sure his wimminfolks learned to stayed quiet and do their duty (cooking dinner). "Bossy broad" in my father's lexicon, translates to "female with the nerve to have an opinion that differs from his."***

**I'm in no way insinuating here that all Republicans or Christians are misogynistic cavemen who still use phrases -like "broad"- that haven't been uttered by any thinking person since 1968, just that my dad is.

***Actually, to be fair, my father can't really stand anyone who has an opinion differing from his own, regardless of gender. Love you, Dad!

Send help. Please.

Update: Dad would like me to point out that there are people with differing opinions who he allows to be his customers (he is field service engineer), in other words you can hold a different opinion and still be his friend if you pay him enough.

2 comments:

l i s a said...

hi-larious.

and dangerous.

new england makes my feet cold, too.

Jocelyn said...

Uh-oh. You're going to need to sow some seeds of dissent between them, before they all band together to tickle you until you wet your panties.

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