Thursday, May 15, 2008

Clinical Research Study

Study reseaching boyfriend-deprivation in neurotic females. Subject is in the 30-35 age range, and short.

Bf initially called away [due to job-related travel] for two weeks. Subject anticipated missing bf somewhat but subject's initial discomposure was minimal due to the fact that subject was busy with work and moving and soon realized that:

[{time-normally-spent-with-bf} + new-part-time-schedule] - sleeping and eating = %&^#%@  Um, no, wait.. it was.. carry the one, add sleeping, no, subtract... no wait *^%$%#^ getting calculator...

Got it! =Excess of time to Work altruistically on behalf of the US Government bare-handedly taking dangerous known criminals and possible terror suspects like menacing Mexican immigrants into custody

Complete important and virtuous organization and housecleaning projects including cooking meal for large party and inviting key leaders in the Middle East to make peace over subject's special Peacemaking Pot Roast

Fly to Africa with Brangelina to selflessly adopt sickly Somalian child and work on behalf of suffering humanity everywhere while looking stunning and sophisticated and having lots of pictures taken

Read lots of books.

Subject experiences endorphin parties and high seratonin teenagers levels when reading books, except if they are boring books she is forced to read by educational torturors (i.e. Machiavelli's The Prince). Subject reads several excellent titles including, but not limited to: A Billion Lives  by Jan Egeland, and  "Socialism Is Great!" : A Worker's Memoir of the New China by Lijia Zhang.

Week two: Subject runs out of reading material, faces stark and hollow prospect of living without books until either able to, 1) Unearth packed library card for current library that sits, taunting her, a mere block away*  2) make trip to library in last city lived in for which subject is not going to give up her card, no not ever.  

*Library sits taunting, not card, card likely packed in Handels' garage, thus taunts from much further away

Week two, second half: Subject finds herself missing bf at random and annoyingly frequent moments. Subject raises arms to the sky and overdramatically curses the fact that her workplace is across the street from bf's favorite restaurant thus providing ample reminders of bf's absence, leading to severe angst and emotional torment heartburn. Subject reports that these purple pills have no effect in reducing heartburn or angst. 

Week two, third quarter: subject melts into a puddle and runs into a drainage ditch and/or spontaneously bursts into flame. Feels convinced heat would feel less excessive if bf were suffering alongside her (granted, he is in hot hot desert place, yet surely there is air-conditioning in his hotel and he can sleep comfortably). 

Ongoing study plans to follow subject through coming weeks while bf is held indefinitely in a tiny trailer in the middle of the Nevada desert by a team of evil mariachi-playing midgets who force him to conduct commercial satellite tests by aiming remote at sky and trying to make Lifetime for Women play cheesy made-for-television movies on unplugged tv set residing in trailer..


5 comments:

cce said...

Love this ode to missing him...God it makes me think of times long, long past when I used to pine for a certain someone. Now he's just here ALL the time and I'd wish he'd go away more often. SAdly this is the cycle of things. Hang in there for your BF's return.

Michael said...

Oh, just wait for a couple weeks after I'm back and she's had a chance to remember how obnoxious I can be. I'm sure Jess will be eagerly awaiting my next business trip.

Seriously though, it's a nice feeling knowing you're missed. Thanks Jess, miss you too.

slouching mom said...

heh. gotta agree with cce here.

l i s a said...

blah, blah, blah. boyfriends, true wuv, all that. . .:)

when are you going to tell us about your new job?

i love your new profile picture.

KC said...

*whispers* I still feel that way when husband's away. Well, taken down a few notches. Mainly since solo parenting can kill a person. I mean, me.

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