Tuesday, June 3, 2008

No Mom, I Am Not Smoking the Wacky Tobaccy, I'm Just Naturally Weird

inspired by a fomato card

dear george,

for your graduation from veterinary school i wanted to get you something special. at first i thought a fur coat might be nice. but someone told me that you only like fur on your patients, which is just as well since i know your favorite animal is squirrel and i could not find anyone selling squirrel fur coats.

next i wanted to get you a season's pass to sea world. but your mom told me abut that time you got sprayed with whale snot and were so traumatized you swore never to go to sea world again and anyway i read that it is politically incorrect to enslave the whales.

now i am out of ideas.

this is just like that time you turned 21 and i wanted to get you something extra special so i bought one of those beer hats that has straws on the side but then you told me the day of your birthday that you were converting to mormonism and shunning the evils of drink.

i still have that hat. sometimes when i am feeling down i put it on and sorrowfully drink beer out of it while telling myself over and over what a poor friend i am and how i let you down by not getting you that special mormon underwear that you really wanted.

it also reminds me of the time when we were kids and you told me my magic superpower was hiding in the closet for a long time and then locked me in to show me. those were fun times. sometimes when i wake up in the night sweating and scared from that dream of being locked in a small dark space i think of you and all the wacky shenanigans we got into together.

but back to your graduation present. maybe it would be rude to get you a graduation present when they are not letting you officially graduate because of that incident with the koala and the schnapps and the mormon underwear. (how are your petitions to be let back into the church going?) but i think it still counts though even if you can't walk across the stage and your name is not in the program and even though you had to agree that you would never never tell anyone what school you went to or they would revoke your conditional diploma. besides i am sure there are lots of veterinary clinics that would be happy to hire you even with the warning they wrote on your transcript.

well it looks like i will have to get you something practical like a turtleneck or jar of elmer's glue or a poster of jon bon jovi. i hope you will like it because it came from my heart even though it is not as special as a beer hat with straws.



Bea said...

I have no idea what this post is (fiction, I hope?), but it's oddly mesmerizing.

jess said...

Ha ha, yes fiction, luckily. If you click on the Fomato link and look at the "mix" birthday card you'll see what inspired it. I was just in a weird mood and feeling frustrated because I wasn't motivated to write anything.

I know it doesn't make any sense, but Im oddly fond of it.

cce said...

Oh, I love fictional letters to fictional friends who have just (uhmm, it sounds like only sort of) graduated from fictional vet school. Throw in a Bon Jovi reference...and you've achieved brilliant. Thanks for the laugh.

spellngerrar said...

lol jess that was a good one :D

Black Hockey Jesus said...

Jess. You're the best kind of odd. Your friends from The Wind In Your Vagina: Jackson & Lucy

LiteralDan said...

Better yet-- a poster of Jon Bon Jovi wearing a turtleneck covered in what we will assume is Elmer's glue.

Always Home and Uncool said...

This is first time a beer hat made me cry rather than vomit. Sweet off-centerness.

Thanks for stopping by my place. Every typo in next week's posts will be my secret wink to you.

rudecactus said...

Enslaving the whales is wrong? Crap. Now you tell me. Who am I going to get to clean my house now?