Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Zoe's Mailbag

Dear Jess,

I want to know how you do it. I wish I could steal pictures of lolcats and post them once in a while write a regularly updated intelligent thought-provoking blog, and be generally fabulous the way you are. I bet your house is always clean and you cook gourmet meals every night too. How can I be more like you?


M. Stewart

Dear Martha (your handmade monogrammed notepaper gave you away),

It's hard being such a paragon sometimes. I feel the pressure of living up to expectations of fans such as yourself. It's not as hard as it might be for a normal human because I am naturally fabulous, but I still lie awake at night sometimes, worrying that I am setting an example that mere mortals will have a difficult time living up to. I hate the thought that I might make someone feel inferior so I have put together some tips for gorgeous living based on
my daily routine.

Home Design:

I stick to the casual yet elegant casual, Modern American Yardsale style of design. You might describe my bedroom as "Shabby, without the Chic," or "Relaxed." As you can see in this photo, I love to make use of natural materials and create storage out of unexpected receptacles, like cardboard boxes. Cardboard comes from trees, so it's completely organic and such a great neutral color!

I also enjoy making something that should be simple into a complicated challenge that I can complain about; thus, my loft bed that requires me to navigate a scary metal ladder when doing something as mundane as climbing out of bed for the fourth time of the night to empty my pea-sized bladder. This gives me leg cramps keeps me in the top physical condition that I require for my active athletic lifestyle. [see below]

The Kitchen:

I am a world class gorr-mett cook and even though I'm often only cooking for one, I never skimp on the hours it takes to prepare a nutritious and delicious meal for myself. After all, If one can't eat well, what is the point of living? In the following pictures I will walk you through how to prepare one of my challenging-yet-rewarding dishes.

Start with:



Send away for your free Batman disk launcher,

And voila, you're eating dinner in style. Just like they do in France!

No need to thank me. I can feel the appreciation being beamed toward me by my loyal fans.

Is it freezing in here, or is it just me?


Sarah said...

One question: Did you get the Cheerios Batman disc launcher or what?

l i s a said...

that's how i cook, too! except i use soy milk and your cheerios look scary. maybe it's just the background.

i will tell the internet that you CAN cook like martha stewart, whether or not you actually DO.

Anonymous said...

Oh that marfa :)