Friday, September 12, 2008

Broken

Warning: whiny, ranty, self-pitying post ahead. Read at your own risk. May cause nausea or disgust.

I'm starting to get yelled at for my protracted dead [blog] air and before Lisa starts in on me again (JK, Lisa, you know I love you.) I should explain a little of how the last few weeks got together and collectively kicked my butt.

Work got a little crazy just when the last of my summer pet-sitting gigs was ending, wiping out any chance of finally being able to take it easy. Instead I ended up working twice my usual hours one week. I'm glad I was able to help out, but it did take a toll and the fact that I spent that week breaking up with mah beloved boyfriend and not eating or sleeping much, did not help. At all.

So, yeah, the Michael and I are... not currently an item. It's complicated, of course. But I'll tell you this much: It was 100% mutual, a timing thing, really, a God thing, and there are no hard feelings (except the sad ones, those are really hard). We're both hopeful that this is not the final chapter in our story.

Nevertheless, here is where I am and I am not enjoying it. I shouldn't complain, because M's road is definitely the harder one now and he's being awesomely brave. But still? It sucketh.

Know what else sucketh? I've felt like crap all week (Yay, isn't this blog fun?!?!?! Keep reading, you know you want to!). Yup, something is wrong with me and I am going to whine about it. I am exhausted all. the. time. And I have weird random muscle pains (like- today? my right upper arm is good for nothing, I can barely lift it without pain, and also? my left thigh. But yesterday it was my calves. raann-duuumm) It's like tiny exercise elves sneak into my house at night and force me to lift weights while I'm sleeping, because I'm certainly not straining things while I'm awake. I can barely walk to the library without having to lay down. God forbid it should get worse, because if I can't get to the library I might as well be dead. There are other random symptoms, like the stabbing eyeball pain and the frequent (at least once a day or your money back!) headaches. Plus some, uh, gastrointestinal issues that you don't really want to know any more about. In any case, this isn't new, just...slightly worse and more frequent than usual. I've been condescended to by many doctors who have concluded that if I'd just be quiet and go away their lives would be much easier. Eventually I do. but it gets hard to keep a job when you can't really explain why you can't come in to work again, today, even though you're only working part-time as it is. I've managed one way or another for years, but I'm terrified that I may get to the point where I'm not able to support myself and I will have to fight Loud Homeless Guy for the bench out in front of the courthouse down the street.

So, yeah, that's where I'm at. I would love to be able to work from home either writing or opening an Etsy shop. But of course, both of those things require initial drive that I just can't muster up when I'm barely getting through the days.

I know everything will be all right eventually. I really do. But right now I just want to crawl under the covers and stay there until 2009.

9 comments:

Laura said...

I'm so sorry to hear about all the things that suck. Breaking up is a punch in the gut no matter how good an idea it is. :(

Amanda said...

Jess, I'm so sorry things are so, well, sucky right now.

I wish you lived closer, I would bring you home & make you cookies. And beat you at a game of Scrabble.

l i s a said...

jeeeeeeesssssssssssssss.

i grieve for you, grieve with you.

Anonymous said...

ittypoo :( Luke and i will take care of you when you come home to visit us. maybe you're lymey. i hug you, i kiss you, i squeeze you, i weeze you.

jess said...

Thanks, friends. Today is better. Updates in a few days.

MW said...

Hope it just keeps getting better.

Jocelyn said...

Ah, nuts. I'm so sorry for the crud.

I wonder if you're tensing up at night, when you sleep, and those are the "elves" of soreness...

zach said...

dont worry jess ur'll always have a place to stay while im out here

RU said...

AWW man, sorry to hear about the bummer week you had. Nice to see someone being real and willing to share the crap of life.... it's good to get it out.
Have you researched fibromialgia? Yours are many of the symptoms my aunt gets and she was diagnosed with that. I get tense at night too and can relate with the pain the next day; I have been doing "relaxation music" at night and it helps me.
BIG HUGS and I hope this week brings healing.

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