While visiting friends in Baltimore, a crisis arose which I, changer of all things diaperish and professional wiper of small noses (not to mention, erm lower extremities) immediately recognized as my long-awaited opportunity to put my unique personal skills to use.
The crisis consisted of a defenseless algae-slurping thingymafish- much maligned in the Swinburne household- who had somehow wedged himself, but good, in between two pieces of the fake underwater ruins in the aquarium and was consequentially, hopelessly stuck. Male members of the family being absent, female members pleaded gross and declined to endeavor to assist their imperiled pet.
Leaping to the rescue, I dared to reach an arm into the tank and attempted to free the poor fellow (we'll call him Suck, as that that seemed to be the closest thing he had to an official moniker). He looked at first glance to be resting comfortably, but further examination proved that his spiny skin had made it impossible for him to back out and he was just a hair too big to go forward. I ascertained that it was not possible to manually assist Suck in freeing himself without, um, breaking him. It was determined that the only way to save the hapless ichthyoid would be to remove the faux remnants and attempt to smash them. Preferably without fatally injuring the victim in the process.
My faithful deputy, E*, quickly procured a cup of water in which we could place the pathetic piscene after the hopeful event of his rescue, and we ran, dripping, out to the front porch, aquarium decor in hand. I slammed the acrylic ruins on the porch, barely denting them, but Stuck Suck came flying out and was quickly scooped up and returned to his watery home.
*although alone in my willingness to come into actual contact with fish parts, I was enthusiastically assisted in my endeavors by three lovely assistants.
At this point I was offered rule of the kingdom by the grateful aquarium inhabitants, but not wanting to spend the rest of my days living on top of a piano and eating fish food, I declined.
Minutes later I was called upon to rescue a child fallen out of a tree. Or, rather, into a tree. From a higher branch. It was complicated. But she was fine. Thanks to me, of course. Not sure what these good folks will do now that's I'm no longer hogging their wifi and taking up a spot on the couch, but one hopes that the fish will behave in my absense, preventing future catastrophe.