Sunday, December 21, 2008

Miss Bossy Pants

I may have a tiny little bit of a control issue. I like to be in charge. It just feels natural to me; as the oldest sister, my job was to corral the little ones. And there were always little ones. A new sibling every three years (just like Christmas! Only with stinky diapers instead of toys) until I was out of the house* pretty much cemented my role as second-in-maternal-command. 

*Katie, the youngest, was only three when I went to college.

Sometimes I failed in the boss-lady role, like the time when my parents went away and left me babysitting for the weekend and 3 or 4 yr-old Daniel escaped my clutches and went running naked through the front yard; shocking, but not surprising the neighbors, who expected nothing less from my family at that point. Ten or eleven years later, I started a fight with a slightly larger Daniel, and he punched me in the nose and threw an electric beater at my head (no, I don't know either, I guess he couldn't find the blender). I was a crappy big sister a lot of the time, but that's a subject for another time. The point is that (for a while anyway) I was bigger and bossier than any of my siblings and I found comfort and identity in being the one who held things together and told people what to do. I may be quiet and subdued in certain situations, but when I feel the need to lead, watch out. (My sister Julie is swearing at the computer right now- or she would be if she read this blog- I was a meanie big sister to her and it still drives her crazy at family reunions when I take charge).

I feel anxious and vulnerable if I'm not in control and I often feel as if my whole adult life has been an excercise in learning to let go and relax, and trust that God is going to take care of me. He always has. But it's still a lesson I need pounded into my head over and over... and over. Welcome to round three hundred and eighty-two. Hold on, it's going to be a bumpy ride.


l i s a said...

big sisters...tons o' trouble, but tons of love, too.

merry christmas, jess.

Wonder-Rachel said...

I was both big & little sister. And I was THE poster child for what a middle child is - scary. lol Maybe that's why my 2nd niece is just a teeny bit more my favorite than my 1st or 3rd. LOL Their mom - my big sister by 5 years - was in your spot: oldest, always put in charge of me & our youngest sister, probably VERY thankful to not have as many younger siblings as you had. It's a tough spot to be in I think. My husband is the oldest too and he had it pretty bad. As many issues as I had growing up (hahaha) I'm glad I wasn't an oldest.