Friday, March 28, 2008

H.A.L.P.

We have arrived in the teeny state of munchkinland Rhode Island and Great! Googly! Moogly! 

My family + my boyfriend = bad, bad news.

It's not that they don't get along, so much as that they get along too well. Wayyy too well. I am thinking of sending Michael home early. Maybe tomorrow, if I can find a flight that will take him.

You see, my family is fond of -as we say in ze French- Le teasing. Pair that with a guy whose favorite activity is to repeatedly annoy me until I punch him, added to the first time I've brought a boyfriend home to meet the family, and you have a Code Davenport. I am suffering here, peoplez.

My sister Lib (who used to traumatize me when we were kids by sitting on me and tickling me while I tried my best to give her a black eye- unsuccessfully, since she was stronger than me and I am reduced by tickling to a tortured helpless spastic pile of laughing/gasping/screaming writhingness) has offered to give him tips on how to more effectively tickle torment me. My dad has warned Michael that I am a bossy broad no less than three times (aaaand, no, this is not my father's idea of a compliment*), and my sister Katie -although she claims to dislike everyone and makes no exception of Michael- asked for (and received) his assistance in stealing my slippers from off my very [cold] feet!!

*Make no mistake, Dad isn't trying to scare The Boy away, quite the contrary. It's just that he's stuck -due to a warp in the space-time continuum- in 1952 and feels it's his duty as a macho manly man to warn Michael that he failed to to his duty as a good religiously righteous father** by making sure his wimminfolks learned to stayed quiet and do their duty (cooking dinner). "Bossy broad" in my father's lexicon, translates to "female with the nerve to have an opinion that differs from his."***

**I'm in no way insinuating here that all Republicans or Christians are misogynistic cavemen who still use phrases -like "broad"- that haven't been uttered by any thinking person since 1968, just that my dad is.

***Actually, to be fair, my father can't really stand anyone who has an opinion differing from his own, regardless of gender. Love you, Dad!

Send help. Please.

Update: Dad would like me to point out that there are people with differing opinions who he allows to be his customers (he is field service engineer), in other words you can hold a different opinion and still be his friend if you pay him enough.

Meeting the Davenports

Monday, March 24, 2008

Peanut butter and Yumwich

I have invented a new lunch delicacy. I mixed peanut butter  (chunky Trader Joe's version) with mashed bananas and honey and apple butter (from Rainbow Orchards in Camino, CA, I got the last jar of the season at the Farmer's Market and mmmm, is it good!). I spread (gooped, actually) it on toasted bread to make open faced sandwiches and sprinkled pomegranate seeds on top. 

Yummy! 

I was going to take a picture, but I was too busy eating it. Nom, nom, nom!

Julie also approved. 

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Updating

Attempting to put links up, something I've only ever done half-heartedly and now I know why: I spend too much time on teh internetz, peoplz! Hours of work and I'm not nearly done, but there's so much good stuff out there that I want to share...

Because I promised him a nicer picture to make up for the last one

Why does my head look so ginormous?

(above) My political opponent and I attend the wedding of this very lovely couple (below)

 



There is hot chocolate. We approve. 

Friday, March 21, 2008

Details, details...

I know, I promised, so here's the story (short version, because even I'm tired of the details): I impulsively resigned from my job and failed to look for a new one. I moved out of my apartment and in with some friends who were nice enough to take me in for a bit. I decided to go home for a bit to recoup and psyche myself up for looking for a new place (again), moving (again), and finding a new job. Yippee.

Happy?

Perhaps my lack of enthusiasm is apparent? It's okay, that's just the PMS talking. I'll feel better in a few days. Boy, is Michael lucky he doesn't have to be stuck on a plane for 10 hours with me when I'm in this sort of mood. By Wednesday, when we depart, I should be back to a (somewhat*) normal state.

Michael finds it amusing to proclaim that he is taking a visit to Munchkinland. Apparently this is reference to my (and my relatives') stature or lack thereof. I warned him that my dad has a bb gun but he's unrepentant and in defense of my family's and the entire state of RI's size issues I am going to resort to underhanded smear tactics.



How seriously can you take a man who snuggles with a pink blankie??

This is the Jessica for Prezedent campaign and I approve this message.

For the record, this is totally not a staged photo in which I put Michael up to snuggling with my speshul pink stripey blankie that Sarah made me and then took a picture of him when he wasn't looking.

Also: Isn't he cute?


* Since normal is not a word that is used often to describe me at any time of the month.


Forecast weather conditions for Rhode Island, next week

Highs of 50 degrees. Rain. More rain. More coldness.

Tell me again why I decided to go to New England in March?

Today I took a nap outside, in the backyard, in the just warm enough to be perfectly nice without being hot afternoon sun. Of course yesterday is was windy and freezing and I had to go put more layers on three times before I was able to leave the house and I was still cold. But at least we have days like this in between the bad ones. What was I thinking?

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Catsitting



Hi Chris,

Smokey (Smoky?) is doing well and seems to be enjoying
the attention he's getting (don't believe anything he
tells you otherwise). Here are some pics i took on
Friday.

Jess




Deer Krees.

Pleez halp. Thes grl you hiard to feed me is- how yu say?- makeng me to loose the marblz. She put toys on mah hed like a beray and tak picturs, comprmizing mah manli catliness and makng me too speek in zis stupeed French acent. Also she nevr fede me and I am wastng awa. Plz com hom as sun as posibl and breng tuna.

Smokey,

p.s. Dont bothr to com withot teh tuna





Friday, March 7, 2008

Helpful facts

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Jess!

  1. You share your birthday with Jess.
  2. Finding Jess on Christmas morning is believed to bring good luck.
  3. If you don't get out of bed on the same side you got in, you will have Jess for the rest of the day.
  4. Contrary to popular belief, Jess is not successful at sobering up a drunk person, and in many cases she may actually increase the adverse effects of alcohol.
  5. Jess can taste with her feet!
  6. Influenza got its name because people believed the disease was caused by the evil "influence" of Jess!
  7. Jess once came third in a Charlie Chaplin lookalike contest.
  8. Americans discard enough Jess to rebuild their entire commercial air fleet every 3 months.
  9. Jess can squeeze her entire body through a hole the size of her beak.
  10. Two grams of Jess provide enough energy to power a television for over twenty-three hours.
I am interested in - do tell me about
I am doubtful about #10

I'm not sure whether #5 would be a good thing unless one were a wine-grape stomper, and maybe not even then

#6 is true and I am not even sorry


Wednesday, March 5, 2008

No autographs, please. I'm far too busy and important

OMG, like, Flutter and Jess actually read my blog. I am totally famous!

Changes, changes, changes

Hello. Um, yes, can I order a little stability please?
...
No, no pepperoni on that, I'll be perfectly fine with just finding a place to live for more than six months.
...
Goat cheese? Hmm, tempting, well, I suppose.. no, that's okay, I'm not looking for anything fancy, just a more-or-less permanent home to hang my hat large collection of clothings many of which are in danger of no longer fitting if I don't stop eating cookies for breakfast.
...
What do you mean, why did I move out if I didn't have to? I would've had to eventually, my roommates are getting married in July and my little bro is moving to California sometime this summer to live with me.
...
Well, yes, March is a few months before July-
...
But my paycheck got messed up and I couldn't pay the rent for three whole days and plus I quit my job because this whole being-gainfully-employed thing just wasn't working out for me. And besides, where's the drama in staying put?
...
Weelllll, it seemed like it would be a fun idea to live with Peter and Julie for a month or two. Plus I had this plan wherein I was going to move home to New England for an indefinite period of time
travel across the country by train
Join the circus

Become a national park ranger
Lose my ability to provide for myself in an adult manner-
...
Who asked you for your opinion anyway? You're just the delivery guy. Stop trying to make sense of my crazy and do your job.
...
*sigh* It's all right-
...
No, I understand that your mother beat you.
...
Uh huh.
....
I'm sorry for bringing up such painful memories-
...
No I don't want to give you a paper cut and rub lemon juice in it, I just-
...
Yes, you're absolutely right it was rude and uncaring of me.
...
I'm terribly sorry, okay? Now can we please get back to my order?
...
The deluxe package? Well how much does that cost?
...
What!!?!?!? I said I just wanted some simple stability! Why would I want to pay that much for an extended warranty package if your product is guaranteed?
...
Well why bother having a guarantee if it's not worth anything?
...
I don't know.. I'll have to think about it.. It's an awful lot-
...
Yessss.
...
You did start by asking personal questions.
......
Now, really! I think "hurled brutal accusations" is stretching it a bit.
...
Well, I certainly didn't mean to ruin your day.
...
Yes, I know delivery guys have feelings.
...
Of course. I have no doubt that if I cut you, you would bleed.
...
No that is not a threat! You said-
...
But-!
...
Fine! Whatever! Sign me up for the &^$#!@* deluxe package. And why don't you throw in some pepperoni while you're at it, I might as well get my money's worth.

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