Saturday, August 23, 2008

Six Things You Aren't Really All That Interested In

My first meme.

Da rules:

Link back to Amanda, who tagged you (What, she didn't tag you? Well link to whoever did)
Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of your own
Tag 6 bloggers to complete the meme.

1) I am really, really shrimpy. Does this count as a quirk? I remember watching gymnastics in the 94(?) Olympics the year after I graduated from high school and seeing a little network aside during a lull in the action. It went something like this: "The average female gymnast is about 4'11'' and 90 lbs*. This is also the size of the average 12-year-old. This is also the size of YOU, Jessica L. Davenport, and don't you wish you had stayed in gymnastics so you could have a valid reason for being the size of a pre-adolescent?"

2) I hate coffee. Not just the drink- in all its many forms- but the flavor. I can't even eat coffee ice cream. It doesn't matter how much chocolate you add to that mocha, all I taste is the coffee. Once I got frozen yogurt at a place that had neglected to clean out their machines properly (gross). I had some completely non-coffee flavored flavor (I think it was toasted almond) but I could tell the last flavor in the machine had been coffee. Nobody else could, but believe me, it was there.

3) Ditto for alcohol. For some reason I like the taste of hard cider and if I'm really thirsty I can finish a Mike's Hard Lemonade in less than an hour, but anything else? I believe I have trademarked the look on my face after taking a sip of wine/beer/any kind of cocktail no matter how sweet and how little alcohol it contains- that friends have urged me to try because, "Surely you'll like this one!" For some reason I just can't taste anything over the alcohol and that tastes like someone is scraping my taste buds with a rusty saw blade dipped in pelican pee.

4) I read a lot. A freaky lot, like several books a week in general to a book (or more) a day**. When I was a kid my parents used to tell people, "Jessica doesn't read books, she eats & breathes them." I believe I might die in terrible agony if I had to live without the written word. I get nervous if I don't have at least one book with me at any given time and I usually have more because OMG, what if I finish that one and I don't have anything to read!!! This is true even when I'm going somewhere where the chances of me having time to read are practically nil.

5) I typically have at least as much fun playing as the kids I'm caring for. I've been known to build an elaborately long track with the wooden train set after the kids go down for a nap. I pretend to be all, "So they'll be able to play with it when they wake up." But really? I can't wait to get them to sleep so I can make the train track my way without any interruptions!! I could also spend all day making spaghetti out of playdough. This is the real reason I am a nanny.

6) I love to climb trees. When my brother moved in to his current house I immediately climbed a tree in the backyard just to make sure it was climbable. This was many years weeks ago. This might have something to do with #1 and the fact that I've always had to climb to reach things, or it might just fulfill some inner longing to feel tall.

* I should point out that only the height is still true.

**The latter only happens when I have lots of time on my hands, which doesn't happen too often these days.

I tag Katie, Amie, Mandy and anyone else who wants to participate. Consider yourself tagged (if, on the other hand, you think memes are annoying and wish to abstain, I won't be offended.)

Thursday, August 21, 2008

For Lisa, Who Complained About My Failure to Elaborate

Yes, my wallet.


I either left it at the grocery store or dropped it in the parking lot, Sunday night. Either way someone must have found it, because I went back & looked Monday morning when I realized it was missing. There are quite a few resident homeless people (is that an oxymoron?) in this area so I'm hoping at least whoever took it needed the money. I am sad about the Shell gas cards though. :(

Anyhow, nothing more to see here, folks, move along.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Dear Readers, Please Leave a Comment Or I Will Slit My Wrists With This Potato Chip and Come Back to Haunt You For ALL Eternity

Cause, I know you're there. A faithful handful of you and a random assortment of people who googled "Weather this week in RI" and were unfortunate lucky enough to get sent here. I see you on Sitemeter. But Lisa and BHJ are the only ones who ever comment. Okay, not entirely true, but I'm too lazy to list all of the semi-regular or one-time commenters even though I'm complaining that no one ever comments and they're going to get mad at me and leave comments like: You suck! I commented last Thursday on that weird post that didn't make any sense and I never even got the five dollars you promised me!

Regardless, "You suck!" comments are better than no reaction at all so please send me some comment-y love so I don't have to cry myself to sleep again tonight thinking that no one loves me and everybody hates me and I should eat worms for breakfast.

Here, I'll give you an assignment in case you don't know what to say, [Duh- "Jess, you're awesome please don't stop and I want to give you a book contract right this second."] Leave a comment telling me where you are (unless you are maintaining an aura of mystery and don't want people to know in which case I will be sure not to look at Sitemeter and check), and uhh... I dunno, what brought you here. I really need you to do this because I already ate the potato chip.
Thank you.

[Hey, Ol' Blog Buddy, how's that for soulless whoring?]

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Zoe's Mailbag

Dear Jess,

I want to know how you do it. I wish I could steal pictures of lolcats and post them once in a while write a regularly updated intelligent thought-provoking blog, and be generally fabulous the way you are. I bet your house is always clean and you cook gourmet meals every night too. How can I be more like you?


M. Stewart

Dear Martha (your handmade monogrammed notepaper gave you away),

It's hard being such a paragon sometimes. I feel the pressure of living up to expectations of fans such as yourself. It's not as hard as it might be for a normal human because I am naturally fabulous, but I still lie awake at night sometimes, worrying that I am setting an example that mere mortals will have a difficult time living up to. I hate the thought that I might make someone feel inferior so I have put together some tips for gorgeous living based on
my daily routine.

Home Design:

I stick to the casual yet elegant casual, Modern American Yardsale style of design. You might describe my bedroom as "Shabby, without the Chic," or "Relaxed." As you can see in this photo, I love to make use of natural materials and create storage out of unexpected receptacles, like cardboard boxes. Cardboard comes from trees, so it's completely organic and such a great neutral color!

I also enjoy making something that should be simple into a complicated challenge that I can complain about; thus, my loft bed that requires me to navigate a scary metal ladder when doing something as mundane as climbing out of bed for the fourth time of the night to empty my pea-sized bladder. This gives me leg cramps keeps me in the top physical condition that I require for my active athletic lifestyle. [see below]

The Kitchen:

I am a world class gorr-mett cook and even though I'm often only cooking for one, I never skimp on the hours it takes to prepare a nutritious and delicious meal for myself. After all, If one can't eat well, what is the point of living? In the following pictures I will walk you through how to prepare one of my challenging-yet-rewarding dishes.

Start with:



Send away for your free Batman disk launcher,

And voila, you're eating dinner in style. Just like they do in France!

No need to thank me. I can feel the appreciation being beamed toward me by my loyal fans.

Is it freezing in here, or is it just me?

Monday, August 18, 2008

Dear Sensodyne

I had to write to you,
Your toothpaste tastes like poo.
I tried and tried to like it, but it makes me gag, (it's true!)

I have enamel loss,
It makes me turn and toss,
with worry for the future of my toothses' yellow* gloss.

I bought your party line,
"Quick, use some Sensodyne!"
To stop the wearing of enamel off these teeth of mine.

Oh makers of toothpaste,
I wish you would make haste,
to make enamel-tooth-care with a less-disgusting taste.

*The Sensodyne Pronamel tm toothpaste box warns that when your enamel wears off, your teeth look yellow, but my enamel is yellow so the teeth underneath are actually much whiter. Meh. Maybe I should scrape the rest of it off with a butter knife.

Also, the claim is that this stuff protects your enamel from acid wear but the active ingredients only differ from regular Sensodyne by .005 more or less than one of them (no, I don't remember what it's called. What do I look like, a toothpaste expert?). 20 points to anyone who has this stuff and can tell me why that hideous sweet-icky taste/scent is so familiar.

I love Sesame Street

Feist, monsters, sea-bathing chickens, and the number 4. This almost makes up for losing my wallet last night.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Five Minutes Ago

True Story. I'd just finished convincing an presidential campaign staffer that I wasn't going to contribute to my nemesis adversary opponent's campaign not a hour before when the doorbell rang. I debated hiding, not really in the mood to find a polite way to say, Please leave me alone, again; but finally opened the door to find a young man, surely not out of his twenties, who proceeded to ask me if "my parents" were home.

I told him no and managed to keep a straight face until I closed the door. Looking like a 12-year-old has never come in so useful before.

Note, this photo is for illustrative purposes only. I wasn't actually wearing my hair like this when I answered the door. Honest.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Cheesy Guest Post

I'm babysitting over at Chicken & Cheese today. Click on over and read about why, one of these nights, my roommate is going to be awoken by a giant crash and have to call an ambulance.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Henry Has Arrived

Go congratulate Mrs. Chicken She's got a beautiful new bouncing baby boy!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

I heart Joss Whedon

What do you get when you put Doogie Howser, Nathan Fillion (from Firefly), and a bunch of bored writers-on-strike the Whedon family in a blender and push puree? Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. Of course. It's like a mini tv series in three episodes (although I hope, hope, hope there will be more).

You can download the episodes from iTunes for $1.99. You won't regret a penny of it, even though the episodes are short. This is classic entertainment. Neil Patrick Harris stars as Dr. Horrible- a loveable and somewhat incompetent villain whose evil plans for world domination, getting the cute girl at the laundromat to notice him, and having his application to the Evil League of Evil accepted, are constantly being thwarted by Captain Hammer (who is, as his name suggests, a tool). Just when you think it can't get any better, they break into song. Check out the banner over there for a link to the site. No really, go! >>>>>>>>>>>>>