Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Bizarro Library: An Updated Classic

A repost with light rewrite. It counts as half a new post. Shut up, Lisa.

inspired by a fomato card


dear george,

for your graduation from veterinary school i wanted to get you something special. at first i thought a fur coat might be nice. but someone told me that your favorite animal is squirrel and i could not find anyone selling squirrel fur coats except this one man and he could not assure me that the squirrels had been treated kindly so i turned him down.

next i wanted to get you a hot air balloon, but apparently they are difficult to store and i was afraid you wouldn't be able to fit it in your volkswagon what with the casket and the full-size trampoline already being in there.

now i am out of ideas.

this is just like that time you turned 21 and i wanted to get you something extra special so i bought one of those beer hats that has straws on the side but then you told me the day of your birthday that you were converting to mormonism and shunning the evils of drink.

i still have that hat. sometimes when i am feeling down i put it on and sorrowfully drink beer out of it while telling myself over and over what a poor friend i am and how i let you down by not getting you that special mormon underwear that you really wanted.

it also reminds me of the time when we were kids and you told me my magic superpower was hiding in the closet for a long time and then locked me in to show me. those were fun times. sometimes when i wake up in the night scared from that pesky recurring nightmare i have of being locked in a small dark space and realize that i have wet the bed again i think of you and all the wacky shenanigans we got into together.

but back to your graduation present. maybe it would be rude to get you a graduation present when they are not letting you officially graduate because of that incident with the koala and the schnapps and the mormon underwear. (how are your petitions to be let back into the church going?) but i think it still counts though even if you can't walk across the stage and your name is not in the program and even though you had to agree that you would never never tell anyone what school you went to or they would revoke your conditional diploma. besides i am sure there are lots of veterinary clinics that would be happy to hire you even with the warning they wrote on your transcript.

well it looks like i will have to get you something practical like a turtleneck or jar of elmer's glue or a poster of jon bon jovi. i hope you will like it because it came from my heart even though it is not as special as a beer hat with straws.

love,
fred

1 comment:

Jocelyn said...

KILLING. ME.

All the way to the end and the Bon Jovi poster.

Hey, would you send me your snail mail address? pihlajjo AT lsc.edu

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