I don't know what to do. I can't exist in this state for another four months... I can't even see past the next four days. All I want to do is sleep. I wish I could disappear.
I've decided to give the Prozac-free existence (not that I'm actually free yet, so much as at the other end of the dosage range from maximum recommended) another week. If I still feel this way next weekend, I give up. I'm lucky enough to have found an anti-depressant that works for me without side-effects, maybe I should just be grateful and accept that it may not be as temporary a necessity as I'd assumed it would be.
Why does this make me feel like a failure? It's not like I have a problem with taking thyroid medication. My thyroid doesn't work properly, I have to take medication to correct that. I'll be on it for the rest of my life, probably in increasing dosages. Obviously this is not ideal, but it doesn't make me feel weak or guilty either. And yet...
Dear Everyone Who Has Tried To Discourage Me From moving to Portland by
I understand that you want me to stay. It's not like I won't miss the people I love here tremendously. It might not seem that way when I'm moaning about how agonizing it is to be in this nowhere place- not fully here anymore, but not close enough to being there- but there are people all over the country, even the world, who it breaks my heart to be away from. I have to believe that someday these boundaries of space and time will not exist to separate us. Until then, though, you have to trust me when I tell you that I know in my heart that I don't belong here anymore.