Saturday, June 20, 2009

Dear Universe: WTF???

I don't know what to do. I can't exist in this state for another four months... I can't even see past the next four days. All I want to do is sleep. I wish I could disappear. 

I've decided to give the Prozac-free existence (not that I'm actually free yet, so much as at the other end of the dosage range from maximum recommended) another week. If I still feel this way next weekend, I give up. I'm lucky enough to have found an anti-depressant that works for me without side-effects, maybe I should just be grateful and accept that it may not be as temporary a necessity as I'd assumed it would be. 

Why does this make me feel like a failure? It's not like I have a problem with taking thyroid medication. My thyroid doesn't work properly, I have to take medication to correct that. I'll be on it for the rest of my life, probably in increasing dosages. Obviously this is not ideal, but it doesn't make me feel weak or guilty either. And yet...

Dear Everyone Who Has Tried To Discourage Me From moving to Portland by insinuating flat out stating that I am just trying to run away from my problems and will be even more unhappy there. How is wanting to move to a place where I can afford to live without wondering every month if I'm going to be able to pay the bills "running away from my problems?" Or, if it is, what the fahita is wrong with running away from a problem called this place costs too much to live if you're not an engineer by going to a place where ordinary mortals can exist comfortably and the local newspaper doesn't run articles an entire series on the hardships of a local family of four who has to *gasp* live in their 360 sq ft newly renovated "modern French provincial with a retro element" cottage for the summer while their 3800 sq ft, multi-million dollar home is being remodeled. The deprivation!!

I understand that you want me to stay. It's not like I won't miss the people I love here tremendously. It might not seem that way when I'm moaning about how agonizing it is to be in this nowhere place- not fully here anymore, but not close enough to being there- but there are people all over the country, even the world, who it breaks my heart to be away from. I have to believe that someday these boundaries of space and time will not exist to separate us. Until then, though, you have to trust me when I tell you that I know in my heart that I don't belong here anymore. 


COMomma said...

Hmm. I am all for being able to pay the bills. Seems like an economy that will help support your less-than-an-engineer wage makes sense. I just wish Portland was closer to CO. ;)

flutter said...

wherever you go, there you are. So be fully prepared to feel like crap somewhere else, from time to time.

Just be happy, babe. Wherever you are.

l i s a said...

Well, you took the words right out of my mouth about the Prozac. If you keep feeling miserable for months at a time no matter what the circumstances, that's a pretty good sign it's biological/ neurological/ whatever the proper word is for "not your fault."

i used to work with a guest speaker on mental health and she would say, "if your arm is broken, your brain tells you it's broken. but if your brain is broken, it can't tell you it's broken. that's why we need help from medicine and from others."

as for moving, yeah, you might be miserable in portland, too. or you might not. like you say, wherever you go in the world, you will always be leaving loved ones behind. but you'll be able to pay your rent and feel like a normal person. three cheers for that!

Anonymous said...

"what the fajita" hahahhaaaahahaa. I think u should go to Portland ( sorry snacks) and take more happy pills and download the Don't worry, Be Happy song and play it over and over while popping happy pills. Hmmmm, I think i'll take my own advise. Doooo da do, do da da do, do da do da do.

Jason, as himself said...

Having been in your same boat with the antidepressants (only I take them for anxiety reasons), I say don't feel bad about taking them! If you need it, you need it. I don't think it is any different than high blood pressure medication or insulin for diabetes.

Good luck with your decisions!