Thursday, June 18, 2009

Something to Look Forward To

I have a fun day planned with a couple of girlfriends in mid-August. I'm looking forward to that in a hazy, far-off-in-the-future sort of way. 

Between now and then there's nothing but a big question mark where a job should be, blah-ness, and an attempt to remember how to be on my own without being miserable.*  I can't remember now if I ever really achieved that. I do remember being deeply happy and content for long periods of time in Buttonwoods, but I know there were bad days there too. I spent more time alone during that period of my life than at any other time, but I was very rarely lonely. I wish I could go back, but I also don't. That was a long time ago and we can move only forward.** I need to find a job, pronto, but I can't find my motivation. Any of it. Have you seen it?

*I am done with boys forever for at least, like, a month. Or six. They're nothing but trouble. All of them! Except for the very small fuzzy one that I get paid to hold in the mornings this week so his mother can sleep since he keeps her up all night. See, even that one- trouble!!!

**Which is the title of a really good book, while I'm on the subject. Which I am, now. Go read it, but be warned- Michael Marshall Smith is brilliant, but not for the faint of heart. Only Forward

p.s. This is a really good review but the book is best read with no intro. Trust me, just go buy the book and read it.

I wish I could care enough to plan something to look forward to in the near future. But I don't/can't. [Wow, going off of Prozac was an awesome idea! I'm so glad I'm not dependent on evil chemicals anymore. And no, I did not stop cold-turkey, I tapered down slowly to the current low amount, which I'm afraid to decrease because I already feel like shit even though I'm pretty sure it's all circumstantial  or at least the circumstances do seem to indicate that there isn't really any reason to indicate that I should feel otherwise but maybe that's the not-prozac talking? Who can tell?! I think I just need to wait it out...]

It's looking more & more like if I'm going to find temp nanny work (yes, the move to Portland is pretty assured. It's still not really official but let me just say that I do not want to be here in six months and most nanny jobs require a long-term commitment because of bonding with the children and blah blah blah) I'll have to suck up to the evil nanny agency and sign their stupid contract that says that I owe them my eternal allegiance even though they treat me like crap and don't pay my salary but instead are making big bucks off of my awesome nannyness with little-to-no expense on their part, (also? Am modest; way.  Oh eff it, I am damned good at taking care of kids. Mean Agency Lady* can bite me, I do my job well and I've never been unreliable. I hate nanny agencies).  Or I could keep my precious integrity and risk not finding work and having to fight nice-but-slightly-unbalanced-local-homeless-guy for the bench down the street. Does integrity taste good? How about warmth, is it as good as a wool blanket? Anyone?


Also. Am tired of people who had privileged childhoods. I know it's not fair of me, but if I have one more person who started his/her first job & moved out of mom & dad's house at 25 after being put through the college of his/her choice, with spending money and family vacations included, insinuate that I'm lazy or don't work as hard as they do because I'm working part time or having trouble getting myself to face the job search once again... I might snap and do something drastic, like... make a really mean face, or something. I've been supporting myself since I was 19 and even if you don't count babysitting (for my own sibs since I was 10 and other people's kids since I was 12) I've had a job of some sort for almost twenty years. I'm tired, so sue me.*

*Disclaimer: Jess is aware that it's nobody's fault what kind of family they grew up in and that there's no particular virtue in being rich or poor or anywhere in between. Jess is cranky and depressed and doesn't mean half of what she says and, yes, really is just jealous. And no, nobody has really insinuated this anyway, Jess is just really really bitchy this week and should not be taken seriously.  


Mrs. Spit said...

It's not a sin to grow up rich. To grow up rich and not be thankful for the luck that gave you that, that's sinful.

Still praying for you.

l i s a said...

I'm not going to get into the sin question, but I want to add something to Mrs Spit's comment. I think that part of what rubs us the wrong way in relationships with people who had the money and privilege you refer to is when they cannot understand life without this safety net and carrying that burden (by ourselves as awesome single women) for a long time. No, I cannot ask my parents to lend me money. No, I cannot take 6 months off of work while immigration paperwork gets processed. Yes, I still owe money for undergrad because I had to support myself and pay for tuition. Etc.

And you are really good at taking care of kids. You even like them! I think you can keep your integrity even if M.A.L. (yes, that means BAD in Spanish!) has none of her own.

But what do I know? I couldn't sleep last night because I'm worrying about a) money, b) health, c) boys, and d) immigration. Ignore me, okay? I'm sure today will be a better day.

Christy said...

How about $7 of yogurt this afternoon?? I have like 3:30-4:30 open before sports camp. Also, you should come to the performance tonight (7:45ish?) and watch the little girls do their cheerleading!!!

ps: word verification "facka" they should really filter out certain letter combinations...

jess said...

Ahahaha, don't worry, Christy. Facka is only a bad word in RI. And NY.

Lisa, yeah. Exactly. Good catch on the M.A.L., I think I'm going to call her Mal in my head from now on. :)

Thanks, Mrs. Spit. I appreciate the prayers and the kindness that motivates them. You are in my prayers too, my dear.

COMomma said...

(while moving my water glass out of the reach of my cat)...You rock at taking care of kids. You are caring and kind and play with them. And like it while you are doing the above. Truly a gift. Portland seems farther away, you sure there aren't any abusive nanny agencies in Colorado?

B.J. Porter said...

It boggles my mind that someone with your "Nanny Cred" should have to deal with an evil agency. Someone you can trust with your kids is priceless...I can't imagine they are in any less short supply up in the cold damp Northwest then they are anywhere else.

Isn't there a network of Nannies in the PNW you can work?

BTW Rhode Island has been very similar to Seattle and Portland lately...damp and foggy every day. Except for the coffee shops.

Anonymous said...

You went off prozac? Good for you. Didnt we have a disagreement about the evils of antidepressants?

l i s a said...

I came back here to see which boy-hating statement you'd made and found two things.

The paragraph in question seems to be clearly said with a smile on the face. I don't think anyone should get his boxers in a knot about it.

Also, I don't know what was in this conversation about "the evils of antidepressants." If it works for you and it's what you need to be better, there is no evil.

Mabi said...

Boxers can get into knots? Why didn't someone inform me of this fact and how do it to others' boxers in college?