Monday, July 27, 2009

How To Win a Girl In Three(ish) Days

1. Accuse her of wounding your tender feelings by writing mean, mean things about you on her blog and suggest a neutral meeting place to talk about it (oh wait, maybe that was, um, me who suggested meeting in person...).

2. Go for a nighttime walk to talk about how sad you are and how much she must hate you to say such horrid things ["boys are nothing but trouble"] about your entire gender after she cruelly broke up with you for no good reason.

3. Once you've got her felling good and sorry for you, dare her to climb a flagpole, and when she is unsuccessful pick her up and drop her into a sprinkler.

4. After she unsuccessfully tries to use her tiny fists of furytm  to push you into a sprinkler, climb a tree on a dare and stay in the tree while the sprinkler catches you just to make her feel better.

5. Respond to her text her the next morning informing you of her plans to sue you for pain & suffering associated with being plopped unceremoniously in the middle of a sprinkler soaked patch of grass by using the moniker, "Soggy Bottom Girl" to refer to her for the rest of the day. 

6. Intimate* that being dropped in a sprinkler was clearly the most exciting thing that had happened to said girl all week and that she should probably thank you for such a thrilling evening.

*Less common meaning, different pronunciation. See? I larned you a new word!!! Unless you already knowed it. In which case: never mind.

7. Make up excuses to see her repeatedly throughout the week by employing (unemployed) girl to do your shopping for upcoming Yucatan service trip. Ex.: "I need to go over the shopping list with you. I need to go over the shopping list with you again. I forgot something, let us sit closely and go over the list again. This doesn't fit, can you get me a different size and then we can sit closely and go over the list again? Wow, your eyes look really green when I am sitting so close to you. What? No, I wasn't winking at you, I just had something in my eye... Your neck is sore? Did I mention that I'm really good at backrubs?/My neck is sore and I heard you were really good at backrubs."

8. Play up aspects of your selfless decision to go to Mexico and probably die from tragic spider or scorpion bite out of desire to help the little Mexican children. Make sad puppy dog eyes and sigh when you speak of the little brown-eyed children. 

9. Talk freely of your plan using service trip to spawn several illegitimate half-Mexican children in order to satisfy your mother's desire for grandchildren without having to raise them yourself or pay exorbitant American child-support fees. 

10. Trick girl into admitting how happy being around you makes her by telling her how happy being around her makes you. 


l i s a said...

wow, my computer has just turned into a maple tree. there is sap coming out of it. who would've known that maple syrup could be local food on the west coast? only jess could do it.

at least half of these points intimate that boys *are* nothing but trouble. just had to point that out.

Jocelyn said...

Oh, #10 is a heartwrender. Y'all are a match.

Stuce said...

Wow, Jess. You have a knack, and sick pleasure out of exposing any elephant in the room, and I love it. No man will ever be able to b.s. you. Or, even pull any cheesy romantic moves on you. Now, if one ever does- cut him a little slack. Men have trouble finding excuses to be close to us. We're just to mesmerizing to be around :)

jess said...

Ha, Stuce, you give me way too much credit... I fell for it, didn't I? And I only see the b.s. in retrospect!

Actually all that stuff is what Dan's teased me about falling for in the last week. In fact I believe I only caught on to the frequent shopping meetings trick when he joked about it (half self-deprecatingly and half proud- hey, it worked!)