Friday, July 24, 2009

Jess's July In Valley Girl

Certain persons have been complaining that I haven't updated the blog lately and I realized that not only are they correct, but lately when I have checked in it's been all doom and gloom and wah wah wah and everyone's been so nice about encouraging me that I really owe you a post about the fact that I'm much better these days, and part of the reason why. 

Also, I'm experimenting with different dialects and I thought since I've been a Californian for 4 years now I should give valley gurl a try, though I threw in a bit of Back Bay Boston for kicks, because I'm an innovator, not a purist. Enjoy.

Ohmygosh ohmygosh I met this boy? And he has, like, a gnarly sense of humor? Also, he's like, totally cute and smells excellent? Bonus!

But I was all, "I totally can't date you because you seem nice but you're way into the gym and that means you're probably, like SO shallow and immature?" 

And he was all, "Duuuude (he's from Santa Cruz), as if! I'm totally not!"

And then he was all, "Look, I can make my pecs dance!" 

And I was like, "What. EVER. Grody to the max! Put your shirt back on."

But then I was strangely mesmerized by the dancing man boobs and when he flexed his bitchin' arm muscles at me and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively I was all, "Well I guess I could, like, hang out with you for a little while."

And then the weirdest thing happened. The boy? He, like, turned out to be really rad. Not bogus at all. And wicked smaht too. He's like, practically a surgeon. Or something. And he's, like, totally into God and church and stuff? Just like me! 

And also he makes me laugh really hard and stuff? And I like him so much that I feed him stuff and bake raspberry turnovers for him and do laundry magictm when he drops stuff on his favorite sweatshirt (I'm so sure he, like, slipped something into my drink or something to trick me into that? Maybe?) And he doesn't even run away when I'm all, "My hoooormonnnnes, it's my hoooormonnnnnes making me cryyyyyyyyy. No it's yoooouuuuur faulllttttt. No it's my hoooorrmoooonness. I'm mad at youuuuu. No I'm nooooot. Waahhhhhhhhh." 

So there's the 411. I'm thinking I'll keep him. (Duh.) Even though his boobs are bigger than mine. 

What do you think? Are you stoked? Or are you like, gag me with a spoon! ?


litabug said...

Super Stoked!!!

And of course, a wicked smaht man who's patient with the hooooorrrrmmmooonness (like my honey through three pregnancies) will get a whole lotta love comin' his way in return. ;D

Mrs. Spit said...

he sounds delightful!

l i s a said...

Well, of course, he *sounds* perfect, but I want to see pics.

Love the brief interjections of Bawston.

And love that you posted!

Christy said...

This blog was hysterical. I found myself reading with increasing speed in a total valley gurl tone. And quite well written to describe the fun up to this point. Love love love it!

Angie Bailey said...

You totally make me laugh. Like, totally...

p.s. Is there a "Follow" button somewhere on your blog? I keep missing your posts because it's not on my Blogspot Dashboard reading list. I have Google Reader and it's there, but I don't go there as often.