Monday, November 30, 2009

Choices

I am sure you are tired of this. I'm tired of it too. It's all I've got right now.


There is nothing wrong with taking a drug that keeps you from wanting to kill yourself.


I need to be on antidepressants; this does not make me weak. Or maybe it does, perhaps it's okay not to be strong.


Why do I struggle with this so much?


Daniel didn't exactly approve of anti-depressants. He never told me not to take them but he approved and encouraged me when I decided to wean myself off of Prozac. In one of the last conversations we had, post break-up, he asked if I'd started taking them again. When I admitted that I'd taken just one small dosage the day before, after a day of dry-heaving sobs that I wasn't sure I could manage a repeat of, he expressed dismay. He said it was only because he know how hard a time I'd had getting off of them but I heard disapproval in his voice. Whether it was really there or only in my imagination I immediately stopped thinking about the possibility of going back on the drugs. He was right, I'd had months of side effects (even though I never had any while I was actually taking the damn things) even though I decreased the dosage incredibly slowly. It would be ridiculous to start back up only a few months later.


Why on earth would I let myself be affected by the opinion of someone who I know all too well hasn't figured out how to handle his own emotions or deal with his own issues?


Still I keep arguing with myself: this is circumstantial, you know why you're sad. It's painful when a relationship ends, but it happens all the time and you should be able to get through it. My rationale seems to be that it's not true depression if there's a reason behind the despair. But for me it's always circumstantial. My bouts of depression are triggered when life knocks me down and I can't seem to pick myself up again. So it makes sense that now would be a reasonable time for me to call the doctor and ask her for a prescription again. Except for the small cold voice that whispers in the back of my mind, "I don't want hope. I don't want to keep trying. It only leads to more pain. I just want an end to it."


6 comments:

Mrs. Spit said...

Daniel is a jack ass. Unless he's suddenly become a phsychiatrist, it's none of his business what you take. He's a jerk, who uses manipulation, power and control to get what he wants.

Depression is not a moral failure, it's a chemical imbalance in your brain. We don't tell diabetics to buck up and try harder so they can get off insulin.

You need to be on those drugs. You stay on them. You are not a failure, you are treating a medical condition like any reasonable, rational adult.

Please, send Daniel to Mr. Spit and I, if he so much as calls again.

Amanda in RI said...

Agreeing with Mrs. Spit. Jess, call your doctor. Today. Please. Recognizing that you need the medication does not make you weak, it makes you SMART. And self-aware. Two things that I can pretty much guarantee that Daniel is NOT.

I love you & really wish we lived closer to each other. :(

Chris Tea said...

I've never met you, but you seem nothing BUT strong to me. I agree with the above.

Libby said...

Well said Mrs. Spit! I agree wholeheartedly. Jess love you and cannot wait until you come home to visit us!

Jocelyn said...

Gotta love Mrs. Spit. Amen and such.

Here's the thing: if Daniel hasn't been inside your head and heart, he has no earthly right to judge how you get through the day. Much of my life, I've been all happy/blissy...but then, in certain times, I've touched the darkness--really felt what some people live with every day. And it's humbled me, made me think I am a cad and a heel and annoyingly able to take things for granted most of the time. When it's dark like that? Do what you need to do to get through. Do what you need to do to get to a place of happy/blissy.

Screw that man who dares to make you feel inadequate after he's already indicated you're not good enough. Did I get that right?

Okay, now I'm ready to start slapping him.

Julie Schuler said...

I came here for the first time through Chris Tea's blog. Wow, did I step into it!! I don't know too much about depressions. I had a short bout after the birth of my first son- very short- a week, maybe- but it was so bad I don't know how people can deal with that on an on-going basis. I also have some anxiety issues and tussle with the idea of taking mood altering substances- I feel like I should feel crappy if things are going crappily. And mostly I feel like I should just be duking it out with the rest of the miserable people. But I do not have a medical degree. Do what your doctor advises you to do.

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