Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Here is Here

I'm at that point where everything I see reminds me of him, or us. A random phrase evokes an inside joke we shared. His sweatshirt lying in the laundry pile. The dance class we were taking meets tonight. Friends who started dating the same week we did talk about planning a trip for their six-month anniversary.

I want to hear his voice. I want to feel his arms around me again. I want to change my mind, ask him to forget that I told him goodbye and take me back again.

I know it wouldn't last. I know we'd end up back here. I know my heart would end up further bruised and so would his, but there are moments where I just don't care. It's all I can do to keep myself from picking up the phone.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling hurt. I'm tired of wondering if what seems to happen so easily for so many people will ever happen for me.

I want to stop caring, how do I do that?

6 comments:

Chris Tea said...

Heartbreak hurts like Hell. I'm so sorry. Thinking of you this morning...

l i s a said...

I don't think you can stop caring. It's okay to be sad and to grieve. It won't always feel like this, but as long as it does, you're allowed to *feel* it.

PLUS! You have a visitor from a foreign country coming to see you in about two weeks!

Mrs. Spit said...

Awww shoot Jess. This is hell.

I sure wish you were here, and I could bring you chocolate and coffee and wrap you in a warm blanket.

I'm sorry. These things hurt like hell.

Christy said...

Jess, who is coming to visit you??!! And I have been in that spot...I medicated with chocolate I believe...
I don't know how to stop caring except to choose other things to start caring for more.
*thinking of you*

Amanda said...

Sigh. ((((Jess)))) I hate that you're hurting. I hate that you're all the way across the country, and I can't bake you cookies and invite you over to watch movies. :(

Jocelyn said...

Sweetie, this is so awful. I've been there--the pacing around, the feeling like my life will never be what I want it to be, the feeling that it's not worth even thinking about the future...being so caught up in the pain. Bit by bit, if you carry on just doing mundane things, it will ease. Slowly. Gradually.

And then you'll be ready for love when it's right.

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