Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Shuffle Off

Yesterday was bad. Everyday is bad but yesterday was especially bad. I don't know why. I am getting worse, not better. I don't know how to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And I don't want to keep trying. I don't want to be here anymore.

I can't convince myself that this will ever stop hurting, or if it matters, since every time I get back on my feet it's only to be knocked down again, harder than the last time. That my life will ever get to a place where I'm doing more than just hanging on until the next disaster hits. Because in some ways it feels like that's what I've been doing for the last four years. I'm hanging on by my fingernails and hoping that the next tremor won't shake me loose and that's not to say that there haven't been good things or joy; there have, but fear and uncertainty and sadness are always lurking in the background. I need to know that there will be a place where I can just rest, but I'm all out of hope.

I'm angry at God. I don't feel like He's listening. I don't feel like He cares.

I don't want to be here anymore.


5 comments:

Mrs. Spit said...

Sending hugs. Believing that the God of all foundations will underpin yours.

Amanda said...

(((((((((((Jess))))))))))))

Chris Tea said...

Johnny Cash said that there's always something to look forward to just around the corner. I have felt like you are feeling before. Hang in there. Praying.

joyiseverywhere said...

I am sending big mushy hugs and kisses your way, from Rocket and me.

Snooley said...

praying!

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