I always hated Jo for turning Laurie down. I sympathized with his fury and hurt and couldn't understand how she could fail to want him, no matter what the obstacles were. Surely they could have made things work. I don't feel that way anymore. I wish I'd been strong enough to insist that we leave our friendship as it was.
My eyes are swollen. I can't stop crying. I can't find any peace. I sleep and dream about Daniel and I making each other unhappy. I wake up to migraines, relieved that, for the moment, I'm so grateful to be out of the nightmares that I have no doubts about what I'm doing. But in the morning I think about talking to him last night and laughing through my tears and feeling his hand on mine. The intensity of our fights has always been matched by the deep friendship and rapport we reestablish when we make up. He makes me laugh like no one else. I love being with him.
I can't bear this.
I want to go home.
I want to go to my true home, where there are no tears. Where I can see my God face to face and feel His arms around me. Today I don't care about anything but making the pain stop. I know that my suffering is small compared to most things but feels to me like it encompasses the whole world. I don't want to pick myself up and keep trying. I don't have it in me to ever go through this again, but I'm not strong enough to walk through the world alone. I can't remember the last time I felt joy without doubt and fear pulling at the back of my mind.
There's no way out of this that won't shatter my heart into a million pieces. I love him, and I cherish our friendship, and the thought of him being happy with someone else someday makes me want to scream and cry and punch walls and then curl up into a ball and sob. I know that that is what's best for him, but I don't want it to be true.
I'm so tired of having to be strong. I don't want to make the hard decisions. I don't know if I have the strength to walk away if he wants me to stay. I don't know how to let go. But I don't know how to stay when I've heard God telling me clearly that I'm to walk away.