Thursday, November 5, 2009

"Yes, you will!" persisted Jo. "You'll get over this after a while, and find some lovely accomplished girl, who will adore you, and make a fine mistress for your fine house. I shouldn't... we should quarrel--we can't help it even now, you see--and I shouldn't like elegant society and you would, and you'd hate my scribbling, and I couldn't get on without it, and we should be unhappy, and wish we hadn't done it, and everything would be horrid!" - Little Women

I always hated Jo for turning Laurie down. I sympathized with his fury and hurt and couldn't understand how she could fail to want him, no matter what the obstacles were. Surely they could have made things work. I don't feel that way anymore. I wish I'd been strong enough to insist that we leave our friendship as it was.

My eyes are swollen. I can't stop crying. I can't find any peace. I sleep and dream about Daniel and I making each other unhappy. I wake up to migraines, relieved that, for the moment, I'm so grateful to be out of the nightmares that I have no doubts about what I'm doing. But in the morning I think about talking to him last night and laughing through my tears and feeling his hand on mine. The intensity of our fights has always been matched by the deep friendship and rapport we reestablish when we make up. He makes me laugh like no one else. I love being with him.

I can't bear this.

I want to go home.

I want to go to my true home, where there are no tears. Where I can see my God face to face and feel His arms around me. Today I don't care about anything but making the pain stop. I know that my suffering is small compared to most things but feels to me like it encompasses the whole world. I don't want to pick myself up and keep trying. I don't have it in me to ever go through this again, but I'm not strong enough to walk through the world alone. I can't remember the last time I felt joy without doubt and fear pulling at the back of my mind.

There's no way out of this that won't shatter my heart into a million pieces. I love him, and I cherish our friendship, and the thought of him being happy with someone else someday makes me want to scream and cry and punch walls and then curl up into a ball and sob. I know that that is what's best for him, but I don't want it to be true.

I'm so tired of having to be strong. I don't want to make the hard decisions. I don't know if I have the strength to walk away if he wants me to stay. I don't know how to let go. But I don't know how to stay when I've heard God telling me clearly that I'm to walk away.


Christy said...

I'm sad with you. :(

Mrs. Spit said...

I'm sorry sweetheart. I wish things like this were easier. Hang in there, not only can you do this, you are doing this.

Amanda said...

Ah, Jess. This sucks. I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to help, but I know there isn't. :(

Love you, my friend. (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

Oh, sound so, so sad. That's completely sucky, I'm sorry that boys are so tragic and cruddy.

Heartbreak...uh...kind of breaks your heart sometimes, huh...

Love you, Roni. -Sarah

Chris Tea said...

This too shall pass... but that doesn't mean it doesn't really freaking hurt.

I find myself thinking about a stranger named Jess and saying little prayers for her through the day. Take care now.

COMomma said...

So, so so sorry.

jess said...

Thank you friends. I don't want to post about this because I know Daniel might read it (and even now, I can't bring myself to hurt him although he did it often enough to me) but after he called me this morning to take care of him (he has a cold, people) and begged me- after I brought him soup and then told him that I was no longer available for communication or contact- if I could possibly just postpone that for a week because now was a really bad time for him to go through a breakup and he neeeeeded me... it became abundantly clear to me that what we had was an extremely unhealthy relationship involving manipulation and selfishness on his part and a somewhat pathetic need to mother someone on my part. I'm done. And the best part? I'm so fed up that there's not even much room left for sad.

Jocelyn said...

Oh, I'm so glad to read your additional comment here and to know you've gotten more clarity. Stick with that resolve. There is healthy love out there for you. Don't compromise.