Sunday, December 13, 2009


I have been needing to write. Composing words in my head. Half-writing posts and then getting pulled back into the craziness of the last weeks before the holidays and a long trip home. I feel good. A little time and distance and a chemically balanced brain have made me feel like a different person. I've felt better in the last few weeks than I have in months.

Now I'm home in RI. It's cold and there is snow on the ground and I'm immersed in the conflicting mix of emotions that being with my family brings. It took about 20 minutes for the first remark that made me wish I was back in California. I have made a life for myself there with people who I can be real and honest with. I've fought to shed the armor I needed growing up here, but when I come home I find that that means I am vulnerable. There are few things I hate more than that.

I'm constantly reminded of the fact that I am alone. My four nearest siblings are all married or in relationships. I keep thinking about Daniel in the middle of the night. I don't know why. He was supposed to have been here, that was the plan. I don't want to be with him. But I keep thinking anyway...

I can't sleep and I've chewed a hole in my lower lip, but this morning a little boy climbed into bed and snuggled with me and that helped. The last time I snuggled with him there were still traces of babyhood, not now. He's a boy now; all long legs and missing tooth and going to school. He tried to teach me how to play Lego Indiana Jones but I am a failure at video games.

My niece is still not sure about me. In her world there are a few good people- Mommy, Daddy, grandparents, the familiar aunties- and the rest are potentially scary. But she's warming up. Tonight she came over and gave me a hug and a kiss and I didn't even have to bribe her. I got to see my brother's sons for a little while before their mother decided on a whim to move out of state on a few hours notice and showed up to take them away. I'm not sure if I'll be able to see them again before I leave. We're never sure of anything where my brother's ex is concerned.

I want to go home. I want to be here but still be able to go home and sleep in my own bed at night. I want... I don't know what I want.


Amanda said...

Hey Jess, Glad you got to RI safely. I'm so sorry to hear about Danielle taking the kids out of state. That sucks.
Let me know if you need a break--schedule's a bit crazy, but I can try to come get you and let you hang here for a bit. :)

Mrs. Spit said...

Sending hugs. I believe that things will turn out alright.

Chris Tea said...

That's the confusing thing I haven't figured out yet: Shedding armor and feeling free in some places and then needing the armor back in other places and not being able to find it, or you find it and it doesn't fit right anymore!!!

Glad you got some good niece and nephew time. Hang in.

l i s a said...

ummmmm. . . ditto?

Tine said...

does it help to say you're not alone? I have the same situations when I'm reunited with my family, too. You should just stay in that little pocket in my heart, Jess; that's the home you belong in. ;)