Sunday, March 29, 2009

My Favorite Songs Right Now All Have Lyrics That MAKE NO SENSE

Is There A Ghost by Band of Horses. I'm a little in love with the lead singer's voice and even though there are less than 15 words in the entire song I could listen to it for days without getting tired of it. Josh gets credit for introducing me to this great band. Here's their website where you can watch the video for this song and others. Check out No One's Gonna Love You

Human by The Killers

The video's linked above but I can't embed it. Here's a purely audio version.

And yes, I know I'm a giant lame-o because I never post and I asked for suggestions and haven't even used any of them. I'm just... I don't know, stuck, lately? It's been a rough week, with too much emotional crap I'd thought long dealt with and other crap that I don't know how to deal with rising to the surface. I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety (like near-constant low-grade panic attacks) and I'm not sure if it's just due to emotional stress or if I should get checked out in case it's something the doctor could actually help with. In any case, music is all I can safely think/write about in such a public forum right now. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate the suggestions though. I will use them eventually!

Keeping You Entertained Through the Blogging Drought

This is a classic. Enjoy!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Uh Huh, You Know It's True.

barack obama

I've got the blogging blahs. Mrs. Spit sent me these great interview questions ages ago and I just can't seem to work up the righteous indignation to rant about the justice system, or anything else. I think the Great Facebook Debate debacle of '09 knocked the fire right outta me but don't worry, I'm sure I'll be spitting it again soon enough. 

In the meantime I feel like writing something funny but I just can't seem to get out of this rut and get started with an idea. Therefore, I've decided to take requests. Leave yours (the goofier the better) in the comments and I'll see what I can do. 

Sunday, March 15, 2009

I Will S h it Upon the Green Green Grass

Hey, remember that time Daniel ran through the front yard naked? I believe I reference it here. So Daniel has kidnapped my nephew (his son) and is holding him captive until I write about what an awesome brother he is. So here are some awesome Dan facts:

Dan is number four. After three daughters, everyone was expecting him to be a girl. My parents, who you'd think would have known better since they'd been so 100% convinced I was a boy that they argued with the nurse in the delivery room when she announced my gender, had failed to make any preparations for a man-child's arrival. Thus he went by "Baby Boy Davenport" for two weeks. It was especially awkward at the library, where we went every other day to check out baby name books. You'd think the librarians would have looked at the tiny baby, noted the book selection, and declined to ask, "What's his name?!?" I think they just thought it was fun to watch my mom try to explain.

Dan was an interesting child. One evening we were out playing (this was in the olden days, when all the neighborhood children would play outside until the moms started calling us home for dinner, I suspect that most children these days are not allowed out of the house without protective bubble wrap and constant adult supervision) I noticed Daniel- maybe two at the time- crouching at the edge of the front lawn, near the street. Some early-honed big sister instinct prompted me that something was not right and indeed, as I looked more closely I realized that the little cherub had his pants down around his ankles and was pooping on the front lawn. Our dog wasn't even allowed to do that.

Despite my cries of horror and sense of familial shame, my parents found the whole thing fairly hilarious. I knew I would never be able to look Kara Trainer in the eye again, but they cared nothing for my neighborhood social status. Ah, the cruelties of youth. I wonder where Kara is these days. Maybe, if I'm lucky, she has a two year old who poops on the lawn.

funny pictures of cats with captions
see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Friday, March 13, 2009

FB status conversation:

Michael R Lockard spent forty five minutes trying to chop his other kayak out of the ice with an axe. It's still stuck.

James Scott at 12:23pm March 12
How many do you own?

Heather Coyne Thorpe at 2:26pm March 12
Why did you leave it so long that the water froze around it?

Michael R Lockard at 1:10am March 13
Four now. Two are the kids, my race kayak from last year, and the new tandem, Yellow Lightnin'

Michael R Lockard at 1:12am March 13
I left it against the side of the house all winter where the snow falls on it and the water drips off the roof and freezes into an icy kayak tomb.

Jess Davenport at 10:37am March 13
I hate it when my kayak freezes to the house.

James McCrillis at 4:02pm March 13
just set it on will get unstuck..and burned, but unstuck never the less

Jess Davenport at 5:14pm March 13
I hate it when my frozen kayak gets set on fire.

James McCrillis at 5:16pm March 13
you could always use it as an opportunity for a bar-b-q

Jess Davenport at 5:18pm March 13
I hate it when Jim bar-b-q's

James McCrillis at 5:22pm March 13
well in general everyone except kayakers usually have a really great time at a Jim McCrillis bar-b-q

Jess Davenport at 5:34pm March 13
I don't. He tried to kill me with a potato chip one time.

James McCrillis at 5:47pm March 13
well i am a trained assassin and potato chips were all that were available to me before you made me and tried to kick me in the shins.

James McCrillis at 5:48pm March 13
hey wait a minute this about Mike's kayak....burn it!

Jess Davenport at 7:55pm March 13
I think I'm going to write a FB app called "virtual kick in the shins." It will be like poking, only infinitely better!!!

James McCrillis at 8:04pm March 13
the power of positive thinking....

Jess Davenport at 8:18pm March 13
I like how we've completely taken over Mike's status comments

James McCrillis at 8:20pm March 13
I don't think he even realizes it....but does it really matter at this point Brain he is powerless to reverse the damage...tomorrow we take over the world...oh thats your line..darn

Jess Davenport at 8:24pm March 13
No, it's okay, Pinky. I like to let you play the evil genius sometimes. I'm taking a break today and being insane because I think I must have a brain tumor and my head hurts so much that death would be a welcome relief. Was that a segue?

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Maybe I Should Get My News Somewhere Other Than Yahoo

Under headline, Weekend of Surprises

Octomom's publicist quits and calls her "nuts."

Surprising? Really?

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Bizarro Library: An Updated Classic

A repost with light rewrite. It counts as half a new post. Shut up, Lisa.

inspired by a fomato card

dear george,

for your graduation from veterinary school i wanted to get you something special. at first i thought a fur coat might be nice. but someone told me that your favorite animal is squirrel and i could not find anyone selling squirrel fur coats except this one man and he could not assure me that the squirrels had been treated kindly so i turned him down.

next i wanted to get you a hot air balloon, but apparently they are difficult to store and i was afraid you wouldn't be able to fit it in your volkswagon what with the casket and the full-size trampoline already being in there.

now i am out of ideas.

this is just like that time you turned 21 and i wanted to get you something extra special so i bought one of those beer hats that has straws on the side but then you told me the day of your birthday that you were converting to mormonism and shunning the evils of drink.

i still have that hat. sometimes when i am feeling down i put it on and sorrowfully drink beer out of it while telling myself over and over what a poor friend i am and how i let you down by not getting you that special mormon underwear that you really wanted.

it also reminds me of the time when we were kids and you told me my magic superpower was hiding in the closet for a long time and then locked me in to show me. those were fun times. sometimes when i wake up in the night scared from that pesky recurring nightmare i have of being locked in a small dark space and realize that i have wet the bed again i think of you and all the wacky shenanigans we got into together.

but back to your graduation present. maybe it would be rude to get you a graduation present when they are not letting you officially graduate because of that incident with the koala and the schnapps and the mormon underwear. (how are your petitions to be let back into the church going?) but i think it still counts though even if you can't walk across the stage and your name is not in the program and even though you had to agree that you would never never tell anyone what school you went to or they would revoke your conditional diploma. besides i am sure there are lots of veterinary clinics that would be happy to hire you even with the warning they wrote on your transcript.

well it looks like i will have to get you something practical like a turtleneck or jar of elmer's glue or a poster of jon bon jovi. i hope you will like it because it came from my heart even though it is not as special as a beer hat with straws.