Friday, May 22, 2009

Note Her Gritted teeth

This picture is from the time several Christmases ago when I played my mom in Scrabble and I whipped her with, like, a forty point word and I was all In your face, woman!!!! and she was kind of a sore loser because when I asked her to hold the board up a little higher so that I could document for history the only time I've ever gotten that many points in Scrabble she was all "Like this?" and with a wide-eyed innocent smile, she tipped the board so high that all of the tiles fell off.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Captain Picard of The Starship Enterprise Makes An Historic Visit to The Krusty Krab

...poses for pictures with staff.

Update [Lisa, this is for you.]

Since you can't use a feed reader with private blogs. I'm going to try to remember to post a heads-up here when something new is up at the vault of naughtiness, bad words, candy, and harrowing tales of internet dating that Jess Uncensored is turning into. [Lisa, this is for you.] No boys allowed so far but if you're female, not my mom, and want to join in the fun, email me at @ gmail . com (no spaces in the actual address) and I'll invite you in.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Madame Language Poisson Fishes For The Right Word

Affect. An action. To have an effect on.

Is it possible to affect the misuse of these words, or will I just drive myself crazy trying?

Effect. A noun (thing).  A change that is a result of a cause.

The likely effect of this lesson will be to cause any reader who is not already aware of the proper usage of these words to stick his/her tongue out at me. Metaphorically. Or in actual fact.

To create.

In order to effect complete change in this area, it would be necessary to change the English language. 

Well, damn, that was so unhelpful that now I'm confused. I don't have any neat mnemonic tricks for this one, it's too tricky (and I didn't even get into the less common meanings). My only advice is to read more. That's the only way I can keep this silly language straight. 

Commenters? I know there are several of you who are dying to weigh in. If you can do a better job of explaining this is a way that's easy to remember, I'll redo the post.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Weekend In Santa Cruz

A few weeks ago a friend of mine had access to a gorgeous beach house, he invited some people down for the weekend. There was plenty of wine and no shortage of beer but I don't think that had anything to do with the topics of conversation. A short lexicon of the weekend's key phrases:

Flaming shorts- EW* insisted that somewhere between soaked and completely dry, his swim shorts magically displayed flaming skull motifs. Doubt was expressed. The theory was put forth that EW was simply making up stories in an effort to get people to stare at his shorts. Many hours and several re-wetting and partial drying attempts later, after being displayed on the curtain rod and watched closely for an hour (and possibly, just possibly, a hair dryer was applied at one point, although that is a rumor which I cannot personally confirm or deny) the precise state of saturation was achieved and the shorts did indeed faintly show a flaming skull motif. 

However I prefer to tell the story this way: Last weekend EW had too much to drink, took off his shorts, and hung them on the curtain rod in the living room! 

The fact that he had already changed into pants is an irrelevant detail that bogs the story down. This is why I am a writer and you're not. I understand these things.

Extraneous nipple hairs: Again, EW stars, as the owner of a single mutant, 3-inch nipple hair. There are several incriminating photos of him stroking and murmuring to the freakish strand and all attempts to yank it out were met with the protest, "My preciousss!! It mussst ssstay!" 

Are you decent?: This is the proper query to preface an pillow-based attack  on members of the opposite sex in the middle of the night. It does ruin the element of surprise somewhat.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, and everybody else too.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Scrubs Series Finale *spoiler alert*

I'm a huge Scrubs fan. I haven't had access to tv + cable regularly enough for the last few years to have kept up with it, but I've watched the first three seasons on dvd in their entirety and watched the last few seasons piecemeal whenever I got the chance. I recently discovered that I could watch the latest episodes at work, where they have an On Demand subscription. Guess what I've been doing lately while Princess McChubbythighs* naps? 

In my opinion, there's very little on television that's as well put-together as this show. The acting is superb, the writing is hilarious but hits serious notes in all the right places, and the soundtrack is frequently excellent. I've thoroughly enjoyed watching and I'm grateful that the show is ending (I'm pretending that there are no rumors of a continuation of the series, as amazing as the rest of the cast is, it wouldn't be Scrubs without Zach Braff's character) on such a high note. There's nothing sadder than watching a show you love fight for life, long after it should have been taken off of life support. 

The final episode was perfect. Peter Gabriel's haunting cover of The Magnetic Fields' song Book of Love plays over a old-fashioned home video montage of JD's fantasy of the Sacred Heart gang's future. I've only watched this about 50 times today and I thought I should share the obsession with all of you lovely readers so that you too can avoid folding the laundry. Enjoy!

p.s. I LOOOOOOVE Peter Gabriel. Just thought you should know.


Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Ms. Language Person Lays Down the Law

Allude is to refer to something indirectly. "I allude to Dave Barry's "Mister Language Person" persona with my title."

Elude is to avoid capture. "The damned french fry had eluded me for the last time; I determined to quickly smother it in catsup."

I've been seeing these mixed up for a while, but when I read about a woman eluding to something in a newspaper post, it was the last straw. A hint? Elude should never be paired with to, while allude should almost always be.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Coming [as] Soon!!! [as Katie gets her butt in gear and uploads the photos.]

My supercool sister Katie came to visit on her spring break. We established that she was not moving to California and I reigned in the big sister bossy pants in me. Then I took her to see elephant seals in Ano Nuevo. This was delightful in that it allowed me to listen while Katie called our ultra-conservative-Christian parents and informed them that I'd brought her to see weaners. On the beach. Awesome.

Conversation with my mom (who is nervous that I'm going to corrupt Katie with my liberal-commie-pinko-hippie-tree-loving-left-coast-socialist-pagan-ungodly-corrupted ways)* pre-Katie's visit:

Mom: "...and no making her get an Obama tattoo!"

Me: "Now don't worry Mom, I've got it all figured out. She'll probably come home knocked up, but rest assured, she'll also be pro-choice, so she can get it 'taken care of.'"

Mom: I'm not going to give her the satisfaction of laughing, I'm not going to give her the satisfaction of laughing, I'm not going to 

Coming soon: a more derailed detailed version of the Adventures of Katie and Jess. Including our informative sampling of every form of public transportation San Francisco offers, all in one day! I wanted to make sure Katie learned something to make up for missing two days of school and this lesson was entitled Her big sister has absolutely no sense of direction.

*It's ironic- wait, is that the right word? Funnyhaha? Funnystrange? Irritating?- that I'm simultaneously derided by my conservative family for being too wild while I'm being lectured by some guy that I met on the internet on my old-fashioned prudish ways because I told him there's no chance I'm going to sleep with him. [Hi, Steve.] 

A girl just can't win.

Saturday, May 2, 2009


Have started a blog for the specific purpose of saying bad words, Woot! Also venting, which will occasionally involve other words as well. It's private, so if you want permission email me at -at- gmail -dot- com. If I like you, you're in. If I'm using the blog to rant about you, well that would just be awkward for everyone, wouldn't it? 

Seriously though, do it. I like you way more than all of my other readers put together- don't tell them I said that.