Thursday, July 30, 2009

I Got A New Haircut

Note: this used to be titled "I Got A New Haircut & My Boyfriend Beats Me" but I changed it because it suddenly didn't seem so funny when half of the google searches that brought people to my blog consisted of "My boyfriend beats me." I'm spoiled for being able to joke about something that's a serious issue for many women. Also it was kind of weird going back & reading posts about past relationships. Todd seconds that opinion. :)

 If you ended up here because your boyfriend beats you and you're looking for help, you'll find more of it at these links. but if you're afraid and don't know who to talk to and need a calm, listening ear, please please feel free to email me. My email address is on the profile page which is linked at the top right corner of this page. 

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Information that might help.

So my friend Kate cut my hair. She did an awesome job but she's still in training so it only cost ten dollars! Woot!!! If you want her to make you look beauteous too go The Academy for Salon Perfeshionals(this is not really the way they spell it) and ask for Kate Sempek. But hurry, soon she'll graduate and get a fancy salon job and then she'll be able to charge you way more.

Here's what it looks like:

That's birthday princess Amy with the tiara and mah dahling Bry on the other side. These gorgeous gals are two of my besties and we've been having an absolutely fabulous time hanging out this summer.

Today I'm rocking the pigtail look. I like the optional bang-i-ness of this haircut, when I get bored I can clip them up out of the way and be bang-less but it's been ages since I've had bangs so I'm having fun with them.

 Soundtrack for today (or- what I happen to be listening to): 

Monday, July 27, 2009

How To Win a Girl In Three(ish) Days

1. Accuse her of wounding your tender feelings by writing mean, mean things about you on her blog and suggest a neutral meeting place to talk about it (oh wait, maybe that was, um, me who suggested meeting in person...).

2. Go for a nighttime walk to talk about how sad you are and how much she must hate you to say such horrid things ["boys are nothing but trouble"] about your entire gender after she cruelly broke up with you for no good reason.

3. Once you've got her felling good and sorry for you, dare her to climb a flagpole, and when she is unsuccessful pick her up and drop her into a sprinkler.

4. After she unsuccessfully tries to use her tiny fists of furytm  to push you into a sprinkler, climb a tree on a dare and stay in the tree while the sprinkler catches you just to make her feel better.

5. Respond to her text her the next morning informing you of her plans to sue you for pain & suffering associated with being plopped unceremoniously in the middle of a sprinkler soaked patch of grass by using the moniker, "Soggy Bottom Girl" to refer to her for the rest of the day. 

6. Intimate* that being dropped in a sprinkler was clearly the most exciting thing that had happened to said girl all week and that she should probably thank you for such a thrilling evening.

*Less common meaning, different pronunciation. See? I larned you a new word!!! Unless you already knowed it. In which case: never mind.

7. Make up excuses to see her repeatedly throughout the week by employing (unemployed) girl to do your shopping for upcoming Yucatan service trip. Ex.: "I need to go over the shopping list with you. I need to go over the shopping list with you again. I forgot something, let us sit closely and go over the list again. This doesn't fit, can you get me a different size and then we can sit closely and go over the list again? Wow, your eyes look really green when I am sitting so close to you. What? No, I wasn't winking at you, I just had something in my eye... Your neck is sore? Did I mention that I'm really good at backrubs?/My neck is sore and I heard you were really good at backrubs."

8. Play up aspects of your selfless decision to go to Mexico and probably die from tragic spider or scorpion bite out of desire to help the little Mexican children. Make sad puppy dog eyes and sigh when you speak of the little brown-eyed children. 

9. Talk freely of your plan using service trip to spawn several illegitimate half-Mexican children in order to satisfy your mother's desire for grandchildren without having to raise them yourself or pay exorbitant American child-support fees. 

10. Trick girl into admitting how happy being around you makes her by telling her how happy being around her makes you. 

Friday, July 24, 2009

Jess's July In Valley Girl

Certain persons have been complaining that I haven't updated the blog lately and I realized that not only are they correct, but lately when I have checked in it's been all doom and gloom and wah wah wah and everyone's been so nice about encouraging me that I really owe you a post about the fact that I'm much better these days, and part of the reason why. 

Also, I'm experimenting with different dialects and I thought since I've been a Californian for 4 years now I should give valley gurl a try, though I threw in a bit of Back Bay Boston for kicks, because I'm an innovator, not a purist. Enjoy.

Ohmygosh ohmygosh I met this boy? And he has, like, a gnarly sense of humor? Also, he's like, totally cute and smells excellent? Bonus!

But I was all, "I totally can't date you because you seem nice but you're way into the gym and that means you're probably, like SO shallow and immature?" 

And he was all, "Duuuude (he's from Santa Cruz), as if! I'm totally not!"

And then he was all, "Look, I can make my pecs dance!" 

And I was like, "What. EVER. Grody to the max! Put your shirt back on."

But then I was strangely mesmerized by the dancing man boobs and when he flexed his bitchin' arm muscles at me and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively I was all, "Well I guess I could, like, hang out with you for a little while."

And then the weirdest thing happened. The boy? He, like, turned out to be really rad. Not bogus at all. And wicked smaht too. He's like, practically a surgeon. Or something. And he's, like, totally into God and church and stuff? Just like me! 

And also he makes me laugh really hard and stuff? And I like him so much that I feed him stuff and bake raspberry turnovers for him and do laundry magictm when he drops stuff on his favorite sweatshirt (I'm so sure he, like, slipped something into my drink or something to trick me into that? Maybe?) And he doesn't even run away when I'm all, "My hoooormonnnnes, it's my hoooormonnnnnes making me cryyyyyyyyy. No it's yoooouuuuur faulllttttt. No it's my hoooorrmoooonness. I'm mad at youuuuu. No I'm nooooot. Waahhhhhhhhh." 

So there's the 411. I'm thinking I'll keep him. (Duh.) Even though his boobs are bigger than mine. 

What do you think? Are you stoked? Or are you like, gag me with a spoon! ?

Sunday, July 5, 2009


Over here. No boys allowed.

Tina Fey is my Hero(ine)

tina fey
see more Lol Celebs

How is Healthcare Socialism?

Oh, yes she did. 

Stirring up a firestorm of controversy and causing several former friends and relatives to toss their teabags, venerated  villified blogger Zoe asked a question that caused Ronald Reagan to turn over in his grave several time in quick succession, whereupon the former president got queasy and decided that, as motion sickness obviously affects even the dead when it comes to politics and remembering that as a non-living-entity even former presidential insurance would not cover him, the former-non-corpse decided to quiet down and leave politics to the living. 

Asking the question as someone who couldn't possibly pay more in taxes than she currently does for her own health insurance, Zoe was bemused by the crowds of angry Republicans lining the streets of San Jose today. Obviously if we implement a nationwide healthcare system the entire country will collapse. I mean look at Canada! They're begging in the streets um, well, sure they seem to be healthy enough, but just you wait. 

Am I arguing that there won't be drawbacks? Nope. Since when does any system not include drawbacks? But maybe they'll be outweighed by the... I dunno.. benefits? 

Okay, enlighten me. Discuss amongst yourselves. Please refrain from throwing rotten tomatoes. Fresh ones are fine.