I am sure you are tired of this. I'm tired of it too. It's all I've got right now.
There is nothing wrong with taking a drug that keeps you from wanting to kill yourself.
I need to be on antidepressants; this does not make me weak. Or maybe it does, perhaps it's okay not to be strong.
Why do I struggle with this so much?
Daniel didn't exactly approve of anti-depressants. He never told me not to take them but he approved and encouraged me when I decided to wean myself off of Prozac. In one of the last conversations we had, post break-up, he asked if I'd started taking them again. When I admitted that I'd taken just one small dosage the day before, after a day of dry-heaving sobs that I wasn't sure I could manage a repeat of, he expressed dismay. He said it was only because he know how hard a time I'd had getting off of them but I heard disapproval in his voice. Whether it was really there or only in my imagination I immediately stopped thinking about the possibility of going back on the drugs. He was right, I'd had months of side effects (even though I never had any while I was actually taking the damn things) even though I decreased the dosage incredibly slowly. It would be ridiculous to start back up only a few months later.
Why on earth would I let myself be affected by the opinion of someone who I know all too well hasn't figured out how to handle his own emotions or deal with his own issues?
Still I keep arguing with myself: this is circumstantial, you know why you're sad. It's painful when a relationship ends, but it happens all the time and you should be able to get through it. My rationale seems to be that it's not true depression if there's a reason behind the despair. But for me it's always circumstantial. My bouts of depression are triggered when life knocks me down and I can't seem to pick myself up again. So it makes sense that now would be a reasonable time for me to call the doctor and ask her for a prescription again. Except for the small cold voice that whispers in the back of my mind, "I don't want hope. I don't want to keep trying. It only leads to more pain. I just want an end to it."