Monday, November 30, 2009


I am sure you are tired of this. I'm tired of it too. It's all I've got right now.

There is nothing wrong with taking a drug that keeps you from wanting to kill yourself.

I need to be on antidepressants; this does not make me weak. Or maybe it does, perhaps it's okay not to be strong.

Why do I struggle with this so much?

Daniel didn't exactly approve of anti-depressants. He never told me not to take them but he approved and encouraged me when I decided to wean myself off of Prozac. In one of the last conversations we had, post break-up, he asked if I'd started taking them again. When I admitted that I'd taken just one small dosage the day before, after a day of dry-heaving sobs that I wasn't sure I could manage a repeat of, he expressed dismay. He said it was only because he know how hard a time I'd had getting off of them but I heard disapproval in his voice. Whether it was really there or only in my imagination I immediately stopped thinking about the possibility of going back on the drugs. He was right, I'd had months of side effects (even though I never had any while I was actually taking the damn things) even though I decreased the dosage incredibly slowly. It would be ridiculous to start back up only a few months later.

Why on earth would I let myself be affected by the opinion of someone who I know all too well hasn't figured out how to handle his own emotions or deal with his own issues?

Still I keep arguing with myself: this is circumstantial, you know why you're sad. It's painful when a relationship ends, but it happens all the time and you should be able to get through it. My rationale seems to be that it's not true depression if there's a reason behind the despair. But for me it's always circumstantial. My bouts of depression are triggered when life knocks me down and I can't seem to pick myself up again. So it makes sense that now would be a reasonable time for me to call the doctor and ask her for a prescription again. Except for the small cold voice that whispers in the back of my mind, "I don't want hope. I don't want to keep trying. It only leads to more pain. I just want an end to it."

Sunday, November 29, 2009


I was not doing so well last week. A kind and perceptive friend dragged me home Wednesday night to her family's house in Sacramento. My head started to hurt on the way there. A 15 hour migraine had me pacing the floor and vomiting all that night. By Thanksgiving I was so worn out and grateful to be past the worst of the physical pain that I didn't have much room left over to feel much else. Unfortunately, the numbness wore off. I'm not doing so well again.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Shuffle Off

Yesterday was bad. Everyday is bad but yesterday was especially bad. I don't know why. I am getting worse, not better. I don't know how to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And I don't want to keep trying. I don't want to be here anymore.

I can't convince myself that this will ever stop hurting, or if it matters, since every time I get back on my feet it's only to be knocked down again, harder than the last time. That my life will ever get to a place where I'm doing more than just hanging on until the next disaster hits. Because in some ways it feels like that's what I've been doing for the last four years. I'm hanging on by my fingernails and hoping that the next tremor won't shake me loose and that's not to say that there haven't been good things or joy; there have, but fear and uncertainty and sadness are always lurking in the background. I need to know that there will be a place where I can just rest, but I'm all out of hope.

I'm angry at God. I don't feel like He's listening. I don't feel like He cares.

I don't want to be here anymore.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

My Favorite Quote of the Day

"I've come to the conclusion that the media isn't out to change our minds politically or brainwash us into some Orwellian fog of compliance. I think there are definitely some outlets that are more biased than others. Fox leans to the right. We know this. MSNBC leans just as strongly the opposite way. We know this too. CNN just leans which ever way Larry King's suspenders pull it. So, fine, some have an agenda but I'm not cynical enough to think that the mainstream media is actually trying to brainwash us or change our minds. No, they're just out to make a buck. And they'll pretty much whore themselves to the highest bidder for the almighty dollar." -Chris at Rude Cactus

I especially like the part about Larry King's suspenders.

Sunday, November 15, 2009


Nothing too fascinating to report here. I don't feel up to being witty.

I'm still sad. I still cry a lot, frequently in unexpected and embarrassing situations. I'm kind of a bummer to be around at the moment, but luckily my friends still put up with me. Zach's a pretty awesome brother to have around. I've decided that- should ever have any desire to date again- future suitors will have to get the Zach seal of approval. I should listen to him more often.

I'm volunteering with the jr. high group at my church. Today was my first day. It was kinda terrifying. I felt a little like I was in jr. high again only this time I was taller (that is to say, there are a few 6th graders there who are still shorter than me). I can't wait for the first time a parent mistakes me for one of the kids.

My most faithful blog reader and dear friend Lisa is coming to visit this week. I plan to reminisce about how she used to have to lock herself in her bedroom as soon as she got home from work when we were roommates to prevent me from attacking her with a verbal torrent of, "OHMYGOSHIHAVEN'TSEENANOTHERGROWNUPALLDAYLETSTALKANDTALKANDTALK!!!!!!!"
I plan to threaten her with the sleeping in the loft of death (tm) if she gets out of hand, but as I remember, she's pretty well behaved. Seriously, Lisa, if you still have an internet connection: I can't wait to see you!!!

I'm going home for Christmas, which will be good. Thanksgiving, I wish I could just skip, but I'm thinking about working for extra money (I know, who hires a nanny on Thanksgiving, right? But according to the accursed nanny agency there's good money to be made. Only in Silicon Valley, friends). It's not that I don't have kind friends who've invited me to their Thanksgiving celebrations, I just don't know if I can deal with celebrations.

I'm reading a long biography of the James family. Plus finishing up rereading the Narnia chronicles. I feel an urgent need to get to the library today before it closes because I only have one book left to read!!! Clearly this is an emergency.

So that's it. I'm trying not to get sucked under. I'm trying to remember that I don't have the right to give up hope. I'm trying to believe that all things work together for the good of those who love Him. And I'm telling myself that just because I'm in the same place I was at the beginning of this year doesn't mean that I'm doomed to keep repeating my own damned history. Sometimes that's easier to believe than others.

Monday, November 9, 2009

And Now For Something Completely Different

I found this wonderful short story and I had to share it with you.

It will take you ten minutes to read and I promise it will brighten your day. Enjoy!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

"Yes, you will!" persisted Jo. "You'll get over this after a while, and find some lovely accomplished girl, who will adore you, and make a fine mistress for your fine house. I shouldn't... we should quarrel--we can't help it even now, you see--and I shouldn't like elegant society and you would, and you'd hate my scribbling, and I couldn't get on without it, and we should be unhappy, and wish we hadn't done it, and everything would be horrid!" - Little Women

I always hated Jo for turning Laurie down. I sympathized with his fury and hurt and couldn't understand how she could fail to want him, no matter what the obstacles were. Surely they could have made things work. I don't feel that way anymore. I wish I'd been strong enough to insist that we leave our friendship as it was.

My eyes are swollen. I can't stop crying. I can't find any peace. I sleep and dream about Daniel and I making each other unhappy. I wake up to migraines, relieved that, for the moment, I'm so grateful to be out of the nightmares that I have no doubts about what I'm doing. But in the morning I think about talking to him last night and laughing through my tears and feeling his hand on mine. The intensity of our fights has always been matched by the deep friendship and rapport we reestablish when we make up. He makes me laugh like no one else. I love being with him.

I can't bear this.

I want to go home.

I want to go to my true home, where there are no tears. Where I can see my God face to face and feel His arms around me. Today I don't care about anything but making the pain stop. I know that my suffering is small compared to most things but feels to me like it encompasses the whole world. I don't want to pick myself up and keep trying. I don't have it in me to ever go through this again, but I'm not strong enough to walk through the world alone. I can't remember the last time I felt joy without doubt and fear pulling at the back of my mind.

There's no way out of this that won't shatter my heart into a million pieces. I love him, and I cherish our friendship, and the thought of him being happy with someone else someday makes me want to scream and cry and punch walls and then curl up into a ball and sob. I know that that is what's best for him, but I don't want it to be true.

I'm so tired of having to be strong. I don't want to make the hard decisions. I don't know if I have the strength to walk away if he wants me to stay. I don't know how to let go. But I don't know how to stay when I've heard God telling me clearly that I'm to walk away.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Here is Here

I'm at that point where everything I see reminds me of him, or us. A random phrase evokes an inside joke we shared. His sweatshirt lying in the laundry pile. The dance class we were taking meets tonight. Friends who started dating the same week we did talk about planning a trip for their six-month anniversary.

I want to hear his voice. I want to feel his arms around me again. I want to change my mind, ask him to forget that I told him goodbye and take me back again.

I know it wouldn't last. I know we'd end up back here. I know my heart would end up further bruised and so would his, but there are moments where I just don't care. It's all I can do to keep myself from picking up the phone.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling hurt. I'm tired of wondering if what seems to happen so easily for so many people will ever happen for me.

I want to stop caring, how do I do that?

Monday, November 2, 2009

A Few Things to be Thankful For Upon the Demise of My Second Relationship in Less Than a Year*


In spite of the inherent insanity involved in being a woman, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I have wonderful housemates who take care of me and throw me fantastic birthday parties. Sisters of the heart who love me and let me cry on their shoulders when I'm sad. Silly girls who tell awful jokes, and play cheesy movies to distract me, and let me rest my head in their laps while they stroke my hair and tell me that boys are silly anyway, and who needs them? Wild ladies of the night who dare each other to go skinny-dipping in a public pool, and throw crazy breakup parties to cheer me up. Daughters of God who pray for me and with me; who tell me it's going to be all right; who see things for me and in me that I cannot see myself.


My real family is far away but they love me even when I can't be as gracious to them as I should. I have more siblings than any one person really deserves, loving parents, and the cutest niece and nephews anyone's ever seen; plus a whole slew of aunts, uncles, cousins and two precious grandparents. I have a family that I have made for myself here in California. They are my small geographical corner of the family of God, which stretches all over the world. I love them differently than I love my blood family, but no less.


In addition to the women closest to me, I have friends in such varied walks of life that it boggles my mind sometimes. I have friends here and far away. Friends in countries I've never visited. Friends I've never even met in person. Friends I haven't seen for years who I know- if I were lucky enough to see them again- would greet me as if we'd only parted yesterday. I am blessed with people who love me.


I may not know what the future holds, but I know Whose hands I am in and I trust them.

*Just a few days under ten months if you're counting, but why would you want to do that? That would just be depressing, and everyone knows I am never whiny or depressed. Much like the way I would never get up and write a stupid blog post in the middle of the night because I can't sleep and I don't want to think because then I start to get angry about things that don't matter anymore. So, what was I saying? Right- hope.. Please remind me of that in the months to come, should I occasionally forget.