Saturday, December 19, 2009


Zach wanted to take TLG* to Newport to show her around and Katie and Julie and I decided to help him (we didn't want him to miss anything). Unfortunately this meant that by the time everyone was able to go it was dark and thus cold(er). But we managed to have fun anyway.

*Zach's girlfriend Christy's blog pseudonym shall henceforth be The Lovely Girlfriend. Because, quite simply, she is.

We tried on hats in the Army/Navy store.

We did some shopping and drove past some of the mansions.

Then we needed a pee break and decided to crash an upscale hotel/former mansion in the middle of a swanky party they were hosting. We got some strange looks from the dressed-up partygoers but managed not giggle OR take pictures of the fancy-schmancy bathroom until they were gone.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

I AM the Law 'Round These Parts, Mister

I'm staying with my sister, Lib and her family. They live as far from anywhere as you can get without leaving Rhode Island. My niece and nephew are criminally cute. Or possibly just criminal...

I've fallen somewhat in Luke's estimation because I really suck at Lego Indian Jones, his favorite Wii game, but he still climbed into bed and snuggled with me the first morning I was here. Bailey doesn't remember me but after a day or two of hugging mommy's leg and shouting "No!" at me every time I entered the room, she's warmed up and gives me voluntary kisses and hugs.

Today I went to my friend Amanda's house. I've known Amanda since we were roughly 11 years of age. She made me eat two cookies and a cinnamon roll/apple pie concoction that she whipped up on the spot. I protested (you know, gentle readers, that I normally shun such rich fare and prefer a tasty vegetable dish over a cookie any day) but she insisted and I didn't want to be rude so I ate it all and pretended to like it. The burdens this friendship puts on me, people.

Sunday, December 13, 2009


I have been needing to write. Composing words in my head. Half-writing posts and then getting pulled back into the craziness of the last weeks before the holidays and a long trip home. I feel good. A little time and distance and a chemically balanced brain have made me feel like a different person. I've felt better in the last few weeks than I have in months.

Now I'm home in RI. It's cold and there is snow on the ground and I'm immersed in the conflicting mix of emotions that being with my family brings. It took about 20 minutes for the first remark that made me wish I was back in California. I have made a life for myself there with people who I can be real and honest with. I've fought to shed the armor I needed growing up here, but when I come home I find that that means I am vulnerable. There are few things I hate more than that.

I'm constantly reminded of the fact that I am alone. My four nearest siblings are all married or in relationships. I keep thinking about Daniel in the middle of the night. I don't know why. He was supposed to have been here, that was the plan. I don't want to be with him. But I keep thinking anyway...

I can't sleep and I've chewed a hole in my lower lip, but this morning a little boy climbed into bed and snuggled with me and that helped. The last time I snuggled with him there were still traces of babyhood, not now. He's a boy now; all long legs and missing tooth and going to school. He tried to teach me how to play Lego Indiana Jones but I am a failure at video games.

My niece is still not sure about me. In her world there are a few good people- Mommy, Daddy, grandparents, the familiar aunties- and the rest are potentially scary. But she's warming up. Tonight she came over and gave me a hug and a kiss and I didn't even have to bribe her. I got to see my brother's sons for a little while before their mother decided on a whim to move out of state on a few hours notice and showed up to take them away. I'm not sure if I'll be able to see them again before I leave. We're never sure of anything where my brother's ex is concerned.

I want to go home. I want to be here but still be able to go home and sleep in my own bed at night. I want... I don't know what I want.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Happy pills: Day 5

I can breathe again. Thank you.