Tuesday, October 12, 2010

30 Days of Truth, 1: Hate

  • I wish I could see myself clearly. As it is, I can see two wildly vacillating sides, neither of which, I'm aware, is entirely accurate. I am either all ego, sure I can do anything; or nothing, crushed in the dust of my self-perceived failure. 

There are elements of truth in both of these, but also false notes. I am, simply, human; neither perfect nor completely lacking. If I could just get outside of myself, outside of the world and my head, maybe I could hold in one hand the twofold truths that all human beings carry within themselves: I am glorious, a masterpiece without equal / I am a wretch, lost and twisted and unable to pull myself out of the mud without help. 

  • Perfectionism is a curse, but it's one I rely on. If I wasn't driven by it, I don't think I would ever accomplish anything concrete. I would be well read, however. 
If you could see me, really see me, you'd see that I am a contradictory mess. All or nothing. My house is a mess only when it's not impeccably spotless. My life is only  a mess when it's not impeccably spotless. I am all yea or all nay, but no in-between. I am incredibly happy or plunged into the slough of despair, all in one day, one week, one hour. 

I can't discuss an issue without getting passionate about it. It gets me into trouble, a lot. I have quite the mouth on me, is how my parents liked to describe it in my teen years.They were not being complimentary. I wonder how much of my outspokenness has to do with the fact that I always felt that my father would rather that women did not have opinions of their own unless they aligned perfectly with his. Honestly he feels that way about everyone in the whole world, but women in particular. He's mellowed out a lot over the years but he still tries to pull me into a political argument every time I go home.  It makes me feel like he doesn't respect my opinions although I suspect it's his way of trying to connect with me.

I feel guilty all the time. Guilt is my secret addiction. I never do anything as quickly, as well, as kindly, as perfectly as I could have, should have. Frequently I don't even try because the thought of achieving the level I set for myself exhausts me before I even start. That makes me feel guilty too. I pick at the guilt the way a child picks at a painful scab, simultaneously repulsed and fascinated; it hurts but I cannot stop.


Following are the writing prompts for 30 Days of Truth, should you be interested in doing so yourself.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself


jen said...

wow. we have the same brain....
funny what a week of being attacked does to a person, huh???
been there....hang on...you've got the upswing coming...
love ya jess

B.J. Porter said...

I don't believe I could be either that disciplined OR that self revelatory in my blog.