Sunday, October 24, 2010

30 Days of Truth, 10: Letting Go

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Oh... this is a hard one. It's so hard I don't really want to talk about it because it's a bit too real, a bit too immediate, and it encompasses too many people. I've lost a lot of friends over the last few months, due to a combination of geography and complicated church politics. The one person I knew in Modesto just moved away. She was in transition too and now she's moved away. I'm happy for her but feeling bereft. I am not good at keeping up long distance relationships. I need face-time, and phone conversations just don't really cut it for me. I have no friends here.

When I decided to move in with Todd, some of my Christian friends and acquaintances were convinced that it was their duty to reject me for my own good. Most of them will be polite to my face, but I am no longer one of them. I am outside the circle. I would be allowed back in if I repented, and then either broke up with Todd or got married. Barring that, however, I will never again be part of the circle. I know I am being talked about. My choices do not fit into their boxes and it cannot be allowed to sit just outside of them. It makes them uncomfortable. I make them uncomfortable.

Of course I have many friends who defended and stood by me. And many more who thought I was doing the wrong thing and still stood by me. For the most part, I don't blame the people who didn't because I know what it's like on the inside. I have been that person. And I don't regret being on the outside. In fact I think I've felt it calling to me all my life.

I'll never have an easy time fitting into categories. I will make my home on the outskirts with the other misfits. And I'll be grateful for the clarity it affords me. But right now, it's a very lonely place to be.

------------------ 30 Days of Truth--------------------


l i s a said...

I want to both cheer and weep for you.
Here's to finding a way to meet other outsiders and make new community!

Jocelyn said...

There is nothing I can type that will make the pain any less, but I can tell you that I would take being on the outside, feeling the pain, over being the one who assures herself she's on the inside, in the right, smug, self-righteous.

jess said...

You two I count among some of my favorite people :)

I know it will get better. The last few days have just been tough. But here is exactly where I'm supposed to be.