Friday, January 21, 2011

Wherein I Lose The Use of the Internet And Coincidentally Increase Tenfold in Productivity

Last weekend the routermodemthingIprefernottothinkaboutbecauseIdon'tcarehowitworksIjustwantittowork went all wonky and Todd unplugged it and hooked it directly to his computer. My laptop was out of luck. Oddly enough, Todd did not seem to notice a problem with this. I tried using his computer but since it's set up with the tv as a monitor and there's nowhere to use the wireless keyboard except the floor, it was hardly worth the ergonomic effort. I'm not sure how he manages except that this is probably why he's had back problems for the last few months. Silly boy. the whole tv-as-monitor thing is very handy for watching The Office on Hulu, though.

All this to say that I was basically internetless for a week. Peoplez, you would not believe how clean my house is. I am 100% totally caught up on laundry and last night I made lasagna for dinner and then banana chocolate chip muffins after the kids went to bed. Some people might say that this combined evidence points to some sort of wildly far-fetched conclusion about the internet and wasting time. Poppycock.

Also, my story there didn't really have a point. I was just letting you know why I didn't post last week, but since whole months frequently go by in which I do not post you probably weren't really wondering.

Also, also, I have been reading Sex God* by Rob Bell. I know: snigger snigger. [Todd thought it was about him.]

If you go to the Amazon page you can read several reviews disapproving of the title. It's hard to tell if they're disappointed or relieved that it's not really about THAT. I liked it. It's about God and humanity and other heavy stuff but has a light and reader-friendly manner. Bell has this quirky writing/formatting style that I can't decide whether I like or not. Sometimes it really works and I admire his willingness to break out of the traditional mold, after all he's doing the same thing with the ideas he's writing about. Other times I find it really cutesy and annoying.

Hi! I'm Rob Bell.

And I write one sentence paragraphs!

All the time.

Look at me, look at me!

But then, Hi I'm Jess and I write a silly blog, look at me, look at me!!!! So there's that... Glass houses and everything.

But back to Sex God (snicker snicker). It wasn't earth shaking but it had some really good insights. I should perhaps write about it on the neglected WWJessD blog. [Which I would like to point out I am not neglecting because of my official status as a fallen woman, who is living in sin but because I am immensely lazy.]

While I am writing a post with no content whatsoever, I'd like to share that I've been reading books by Jim Wallis, who's this kinda wacky, out there, Christian-type person who insists that Christians should have a social conscience, of all things. In fact he goes so far as to suggest that it should be the defining mark of a follower of Christ. Crazy fellow. Also clearly a liberal sympathizer with heretical views. Probably a communist, like MLK. I like his stuff but it's kinda boring because I already agree with him on just about everything. I could think of some people I wish I could get to read him though, Dad.

Did I mention that I don't really have a point?

The end.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Droppy McDropperson

Droppy McDropperson spilled the apple juice this morning and now the floor's all sticky. Droppy makes frequent appearances around here. Every time I sweep the floor I find another tiny shard of glass under the bookcase from one of the multiple items Droppy has shattered in the kitchen/dining area.

Droppy McDropperson is me, in case you haven't guessed. Todd started calling me that when I broke the third vase in two days after having several incidents that involved pumpkin pie filling and then applesauce landing in a wide radius on the floor/counters/me. I've always been a bit klutzy, but this is out of control. It's like the part of my brain that reacts without thinking to catch that falling item is broken. Thus I can see it happening in the same slow motion that kicks in in these situation, but instead of reacting I'm paralyzed into simply watching while thinking, "I should have been able to catch that, any normal person would be able to catch that." It's a bit disturbing.

Also yesterday I discovered (more than 24 hours after the fact) that I'd simply walked out of a restaurant (one three hours from home to boot-  we were visiting family) without my purse. That would be the second time in six months that I've done that. Plus at least two or three times in the last few years before that. The people at the DMV just point and laugh now. I despair of me.

Thank God when I figured out it was missing and called the pizza place they said, "Yup, Droppy, we gots yer purse. Come'n get it." And furtherly blessedly, Todd's mom went out of her way to pick it up on her way home from work. I love that woman. Of course the last paragraph is just the official story. Truth is that I left it on purpose in order to bribe her to come visit us this weekend, but don't tell her. We're tricky like that.

In other news I heard a rumor that it's National Delurking Day. I'm not sure if this is true or not but I'm going to go with it because when a comment appears in my mailbox I jump up and down and do the happy hippy hoppy butterfly dance and then spin around doing jazz hands while shouting, "Hey Todd, Todd, I got a comment! I got a comment, Babe, aren't you happy?!?!? Somebody's reading my words! And they commented!! And it's not even my mom!! Do you think I'm the best blogger in the whole wide world or what?! Huh? Huh? HUH!!??!!??!?!" and then I do a little dance I made up while singing a song of my own composing about how much fun it is getting comments in which I compare new comments to "a summer's day," just like Shakespeare. And then I cry with happiness. And eat a cookie. Doesn't that sound like fun? So you should leave a comment. Especially if you don't usually. Especially if you moved further away from your beloved family and are thus responsible for me leaving my purse at Boston House of Pizza even though I didn't even have any beer. And then you should come visit. You know who you are.

Todd says "No comments please."

Ignore him.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Stuff & Nonsense and Bubby

Update: I am trying to be a bigger person, even though it's really hard when you're barely 5 feet tall, and not say snarky things about Todd's ex-wife (at all, but especially here in public). I started off that way, see, I'd even argue her side with Todd, since I reasoned that he had way too much emotional baggage and history with her to be comepletely objective, but then there was nastiness (on both sides; "she started it" doesn't really work as an excuse if I want to be a grown-up and play nicely) and since the people at stake are two small helpless ones I'm very invested in protecting, lines can get easily blurred. But  I really do want things to be as much like this as I'm able to make them, though obviously I can only work on my half of the relationship. So, apologies for the complaining. Now continue below to read my complaints about something completely different. :)

But that's all the complaining I have to do today. Except for a little bit more. About my sinus infection.

My faaace huuuurrrrts.

That is all.

Now back your regular scheduled program of hearing about my little Bubby's wedding.

Christy had just moved into the house she & Zach had found to rent when my whole (except for Dan, his two boys and his fiancee Brandie) fan-damily showed up in various increments around the bay area. Mom and Dad flew into San Jose. Dad was grumpy. I mean he is Grumpy, but he was actually grumpy. He often is, which is how he acquired the name Grumpy instead of grandpa. Libby, Neil and their kids flew into SF with Julie, Huw and my new niece that they made just for me and were bringing to California expressly for me to hold and love and squeeze and call her George!!! Georgia, I mean, cuz that's her name. A'hem. And also Katie! And also Sean! Because wow I have a lot of siblings!

Todd & the kids & I drove over from Modesto and joined in on descending en masse on the helpless Christy. She passed with flying colors, with only a brief motion to suspend her on the grounds that she is way too crafty and organized and good at remembering birthdays and makes the rest of us former and current Davenport ladies look bad. We are generous though, and decided to let her join the family on the condition that she bribe us each year with birthday presents. Even though we can't be bothered to buy them for each other. In my case, a birthday phone call on the right day is more than you're likely to get. No seriously though, Christy not only braved the horde of Davenports, she fit right in. She delights in small children and teases with the best of 'em.*

*We're a tease-y sort of family. If a Davenport doesn't tease you, it probably means he or she doesn't love you.

Now I have eaten my Cadbury egg (in January, people? Really?! And yet, witness me helpless to resist) in two bites and find myself a bit on the weary side so I'll save some more, um, wedding stuff to tell you later. Cuz there's plenty more stuff, I just can't think of it right now.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Where's the Love?

Okay, peeplz, I write a drunken blog post and Lisa is the only one who manages to comment. You are. All. Fired.

Except Lisa, whom I love devotedly because she makes me feel good about myself my acknowledging my existence. And Jocelyn gets a pass too, because she's a in Turkey.

Furthermore, I still have this horrendous @#$%^er of a sinus infection because I am too cheap to go to a doctor and that means every time I clutch my cheek and moan, "My face hurts!" I have to listen to Todd say, "It's killing me!"

No, no, really he only did that once. And has the black eye to show for it.

If I am still alive on Monday I plan to call my insurance company and figure out an actual dollar amount it will cost me for someone to tell me what I already know and give me antibiotics. And then I will call 12 local doctors all of whom will tell me that since I am not their patient they don't care are really busy can't fit me in for two weeks and I'll end up paying $100 to go to the crappy urgent care place we took Daphne to when she broke her finger where they had a nurse practitioner look at the finger and then sent us to the hospital for x-rays then told us that they'd be closed for the next 24 hours and probably no one at the hospital would read the x-rays for us "so maybe sometimes tomorrow night we'll tell you whether it's broken or not, ttfn!" I want to move to Canada and pay really high taxes and have free healthcare.

Todd is standing over the sink right now setting fire to small scraps of paper and then frantically extinguishing them. He has some weird habits but he's cute so I guess I'll keep him.

No- haha- not really. I mean he is doing the thing with the burning and the paper. And he is cute. And I do plan to keep him. But he doesn't do this on a regular basis. We got pirate treasure for the kids for Christmas. Along with this book. Our master plan of making clues and a map to lead them to the designated hiding spot (containing a tiny wooden chest that someone gave me with tea in it years ago and I never got rid of because wouldn't it be perfect for a pirate's treasure chest!?! plus awesome flea market finds of a bejeweled gold serpent bracelet and a ruby-eyed snake ring and other pirate-treasure-y things) combined with wacky crazy holiday madness and biting off more than we could chew to produce the slightly post Christmas gifttm, which then progressed to the when they get back from visiting their mother for the holidays gifttm to the OMG we have to stay up all night composing wittily rhymed clues and writing painstakingly-pirate-styled missives to hid all over the house so we can give it to them tomorrow!tm gift. All of that should make perfectly clear why my beloved has now progressed to chewing tiny pieces of paper off the edges of scraps of parchment-like paper and has the gleam of madness in his eye. Authenticity, people, it's all about authenticity.

If I could find my camera battery charger I could take pictures and make a really awesome blog post about our treasure hunt. Just sayin'.

Oh yes! I was going to talk some ore about Zach & Christy's wedding when I got distracted by the smell of burning paper. But now I'm too tired and icky feeling to do anything to go to bed. Plus also I'm virtual pouting* in order to get more attention comments. Hmph.

*That's where I make you read long nonsensical posts that end with an intriguing question which you cannot resist answering in the comments section.

p.p.s. If you were a pirate, what would your pirate name be?

Bonus question: What if Todd chose me solely for my skill in composing rhyming clues and speaking in pirate talk? How can I ever be sure he loves me for me?

Talk amongst yourselves.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Zach and Christy

So my baby brother went off to war around the time I moved to California, 'member? I was proud of him and scared for him and very, very glad when he came back home. He heeded my big sisterly advice (completely altruistically given, I assure you) and moved to the bay area where I promptly began telling everyone that my wittle bruvver Zach, who's diapers I had changed as a young girl, was coming to meet them. In this way I paved the road for Zach's California social life and to that I credit the fact that Clay Woosely* yelled out, "Go BuBBY" at Zach's wedding reception last month.

* At least I think it was Clay. And I applaud him for it. Thank you, sir.

It was not long before the exclamations of, "Oh, you're Jess's brother!" became replaced by, "Aren't you Zach Davenport's sister?"

Who's a popular guy & has two thumbs???

If you don't know the answer to that, you've never met Zach. I gladly handed my roster of friends over to Zach but something was missing in the young lad's life.

Around this time I met a really cool girltm named Christy at post-church lunch and we bonded over the fact that we both have blogs and like to make things with glue and popsicle sticks and glitter (not always in the same project though). I wish I could say I had my eye on her from the start but lucky for her (and the rest of my siblings) I'm no Emma Woodhouse and Zach spotted her all on his own just a short time later. As soon as they officially started dating I horrified delighted them both by demanding that they immediately get married and start make west coast nieces and nephews for me. No, really, this is the actual text of the email

Dear Christy,

No pressure or anything, but would you think about marrying my brother? I know you've only been dating for 2 days but you would make an extremely awesome sister-in-law.

I'm, like, the best big sister ever, no? Well it took them a while. First they were all dating... and then they were all engaged... and then finally they made it official. Since my plan of attack is to meet a stranger on the internetz, chat him up for a few months and then meet and immediately move in and set up housekeeping with said stranger and his two children, I have little patience with that old fashioned notion of getting to know each other. Sheesh, if Todd and I would never have ended up together if we'd gotten to know each other first!! [Kidding- I'm kidding! He loves it when I nag/order him around/smack him in the face when he's sleeping and he finds my snoring adorably endearing!]

I digress though, I was talking about Zach and Christy, who after all deserve props for doing it right i.e. maintaining the proper order of things such as 1. Meeting in person 2. Dating 3. Getting engaged 4. Getting married 5. Cohabitrailing- or wait, maybe that's hamsters- anyway they got hitched is what I'm trying to say here. I don't have any pictures of the lovely event because Todd hid my camera battery or maybe I lost it so I am effectively camera-less until it turns up. But I will tell you about it.

Zach looked resplendent and Christy looked so beautiful that a fight broke out among the ushers because they wanted to marry her themselves. Just kidding, that didn't happen but I'm pretty sure it's only because some of them were her brothers and the rest were already married. Totally could've happened under different circumstances* she looked that pretty.

*Probably best that it didn't anyway.

Tomorrow I'll tell you more about the wedding and how California was swamped by Davenports and will never be the same. And by tomorrow I mean not in three minutes which will literally be tomorrow but sometime in the far off fuzzy future when I am inspired by Todd's being addicted to Ebay and thus really boring sometimes, and my being slightly inebriated* to write more on this here blog.

*I don't suppose I can really call this drunk blogging since I may have had a tiny amount of alcohol left in my system when I started this post but that was hours ago because I have to check Facebook every five minutes to see if people still like me and plus I burned most of it off cleaning the bathrooms. Man, those bathrooms are clean.