Wednesday, August 22, 2012

And By Accidentally I Mean On Purpose

Parental figure: Do you have something to show me?

Anonymous naughty child: Nope!

P: Your teacher told me today that she sent home a detention notice on Thursday. [It is now Tuesday.] . What do you have to say about that?

C: Oohhh, that. [produces note from backpack]

P: [reading] This is a new one from today. Where is the one from last week?

Child: Ummm. I dunno?

P: Did get a detention note?

C: Ye-ahhuh.  [checks backpack] But it's not in my backpack.

P: Did you bring it home?

C: Um.... yes.

P: What did you do with it?

C: I think I, umm... I put it on my bed. But I think, ahh, maybe... it might have gotten thrown away. By accident. Because it's not on my bed anymore.

P: Why don't you go check the garbage can in your room?

[Child comes back with miraculously produced crumpled ball of paper.]

P: [sternly]  Did it really get thrown away by accident?

C: Um... I think so? Probably.

P: Did you throw it away because you didn't want to give it to us?

C: Ummm... Yeah, Yup. Uh huh.

[Parental eyeroll shared]

P: This says you were rubbing your sweatshirt on J's head in class. Why on earth would you do that?

C:  But... we were learning about static electricity!!!!!

Oh, well that explains everything.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

New one up at Uncensored. There's not much that I want to talk about publicly these days. I'll try to post some wedding pictures soon, but I think anyone who cares has already seen them on Facebook. Give me a shout if I'm wrong.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

We're Doing WHAT On April 7th!!?!?

Oh Em Gee, you guys. I'm getting married. That's right, I have finally tricked Todd into promising to love and obey me forever!!! Todd says that's not the way the traditional wording goes but I'm pretty sure it is.

At first it was all: We'll go to the county clerk's office. Your mom can come, and my brother can come, and maybe we'll go out to eat afterwards. But the kids would have been devastated to miss out on the chance to be FLOWERGIRL and RINGBEAR so the plans kept expanding a little bit at a time (yes that's right, it's all for the kids, totally for the kids). Suddenly I am planning a backyard wedding with a few family members and close friends and I don't even know what the frack I'm going to wear.

Everyone says, "Oh, the wedding is eating your life? It was supposed to be small? That's how it always goes, suckah!" Except they don't say the last word out loud, only silently to themselves. So far extreme wedding frazzlement has gotten me out of:

1. forgetting to pay the rent.
2. Skipping my volunteer days at the kids' school.
3. Working the school book fair (that was a special exception, we found out that a certain someone is trying to prevent the kids from being at the wedding with us and I had a small teeny tiny nervous breakdown. I'm much better now).
4. Cleaning the kitchen (this one is still a projection, I'm banking on Todd doing it tonight if I whine and complain enough about how sick I am* and how much I have to do).
5. Exercising (again a future hope rather than a reality. Todd has turned into a drill sergeant).

*Cuz yes, what I needed was a blurry head cold featuring a nasty cough and a constant severe headache to help me plan the wedding. Thanks, body!

So where were we? Wedding, court, (oh yes, did I mention we're in the middle of a custody case? The fun never ends!) and trying to figure out what our next move is as Todd figures out whether he wants to get a job or go back to school (answer: play video games), all before May!! And also there's no money. For the wedding. Because of the no jobs thing. So I am planning on a paper bag themed wedding. Because they're free. Seriously, it will be awesome. Eat your heart out Pinterest.

The sad part is that I have roughly 8 million friends in the bay area but we can't invite more than a few people. Also my parents aren't coming because they don't love me (kidding, M &D!!!). Actually they're planning on hosting a reception for us in Ye Olde New England sometime this summer. Let me sum things up: Things are crazy, as usual. Things are wonderful, as usual. Todd is trying to convince me that we need more babies after I up and decided we don't. I am steadfast. But oooohhhhhhh, baaayyyyyybeeeessss!!!!! Who wants a wittle chubby cheeked baby? So cute and squishy and munchable and baby heads to sniff and baby toes to nibble and baby cheeks to nom on... Crap, I'm toast.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

In Which Todd Cuts His Hair Snazzily But Fails to Bathe And The Children Are Gross(ly Entertaining)

Setting: Modesto, CA
Scene: master bathroom.

Todd: How does my hair look?

Jess: Woo WOO, babe, it's snazzy! I'll have to keep you inside for a few days.

Todd: Huh? Why?

Jess: To keep you safe from the ladies of Modesto of course, you handsome dog, you.

Todd: Right. [looks pensive, absentmindedly raises an arm and sniffs his extremely aromatic armpit- in which he'd tried to stick my face a mere moment before, realizes what he's doing and makes sheepish eye contact]

Jess: [nods, grinning] Yeah... you're right. Never mind. You can go wherever you want.

Setting: Modesto, CA, 
Scene:  living room.

Child #1: [singing] When there's something wrong, in your neighborhood, who you gonna call?

Child#2: [shouting] Poopsquishers!!

Setting: Modesto, CA
Scene: living room in which several seasons of Psych were watched in a matter of weeks

Todd: What if I were a superhero?

Child #1: I wanna be a superhero!!

Todd: You can be my sidekick.

Child #2: I wanna be a psychic!!!

[Convulsive laughter on part of all adults in the room.]

Setting: Modesto, CA
Scene: kitchen adjacent to living room in which several seasons of Psych were watched in a matter of several months.

Todd: [to Jess] ...Well what about Sean?

Child #2: Shawn Spencer?! Psychic detective?!!!??!?

Todd: [sarcastically] Yeah, dude, Jess's brother, who you've met, is Shawn Spencer.

Child #2: HE IS??!?!??!?!?

Todd: [facepalm]

Monday, January 23, 2012


I lost my engagement ring.

I'm nursing a small hope that it may be somewhere in the house and will turn up someday. But I'm not getting my hopes up too high. It was lost in October. If it hasn't turned up by now it probably isn't going to.

It's much worse than just losing my engagement ring. It was a family ring and very very special to me. I feel terribly guilty about losing it, as well as heartbroken. I really don't mind not having an engagement ring so we're not planning to replace it. I'd rather just have a simple band if I can't have that ring. Its value for me wasn't in its sparkle or shine. It makes me sad to think about it.

So anyway... there's that. I've been sad the last few days about nothing and everything. I get tired of things being broken. Of the word stepmom. Of the way the kids are growing up before our eyes and I can't rewind and make them little again. I know all parents feel this way, but since I missed the years they were "littles" it makes me especially sad. I'm leaning more toward not having kids of my own for various reasons and I suppose I'm grieving for that too. It's okay, just... necessary. The grieving, I mean.

In the midst of all this we are dealing with unemployment, a great big question mark about the future, and a custody case. Funz. Also we can't afford even a super cheap wedding until we find jobs and we can't find jobs because we can't even leave this county until the court case is settled. The city I live in is hard hit by the recession. Jobs are not easy to come by. I know it will be okay, but the waiting is hard. I am grateful for what I have though. I would rather have all this love and happiness than a million dollars and a mansion in Palo Alto. Life, at it's core, is good.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

"One of Those Days" Describes Too Many of Mine Lately.

Oh hello, Anxiety, how have you be- AAAHHHHHH WE"RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!....

I'm coming apart at the seams. I am on edge all the time. Todd is wonderful and the kids are perfect (except when they leave a banana in their backpack for an indeterminate length of time and then pull out a library book dripping with very old, very slimy banana sludge and say with a confused look, "I don't know how this happened.") and overall life is pretty good right now. It's just that there is this hand gripping my heart that won't let go. I feel panicky and worried all the time. When I dream it's unpleasant. Even the not-bad dreams are bad.

UPDATE: I stopped drinking caffeine. Much better now.