Monday, January 23, 2012

Lost

I lost my engagement ring.

I'm nursing a small hope that it may be somewhere in the house and will turn up someday. But I'm not getting my hopes up too high. It was lost in October. If it hasn't turned up by now it probably isn't going to.

It's much worse than just losing my engagement ring. It was a family ring and very very special to me. I feel terribly guilty about losing it, as well as heartbroken. I really don't mind not having an engagement ring so we're not planning to replace it. I'd rather just have a simple band if I can't have that ring. Its value for me wasn't in its sparkle or shine. It makes me sad to think about it.

So anyway... there's that. I've been sad the last few days about nothing and everything. I get tired of things being broken. Of the word stepmom. Of the way the kids are growing up before our eyes and I can't rewind and make them little again. I know all parents feel this way, but since I missed the years they were "littles" it makes me especially sad. I'm leaning more toward not having kids of my own for various reasons and I suppose I'm grieving for that too. It's okay, just... necessary. The grieving, I mean.

In the midst of all this we are dealing with unemployment, a great big question mark about the future, and a custody case. Funz. Also we can't afford even a super cheap wedding until we find jobs and we can't find jobs because we can't even leave this county until the court case is settled. The city I live in is hard hit by the recession. Jobs are not easy to come by. I know it will be okay, but the waiting is hard. I am grateful for what I have though. I would rather have all this love and happiness than a million dollars and a mansion in Palo Alto. Life, at it's core, is good.

3 comments:

Jocelyn said...

Oh, I'm so sad for and with you right now,about every last thing you wrote about. The emotion of the ring is what you can't replace...and the kids...and, well, if I'm honest, the part about you choosing not to have kids makes me sad--which is none of my business, and I actually love it when people think about whether or not having kids will work for their lives. But, you know, I met you as The Nanny, so I have that image of you in my mind.

And now I'm not being helpful at all, so just know I adore you.

Christy said...

:( I emailed you earlier about the wedding topic and then just read this. Sad. About more than just the wedding. :(

Howard C.Greene said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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